Money is so complicated whew! I grew up with money—as in, my mom's parents were rich thanks to a business they opened after their three kids were adults, my parents ran a tennis academy and were terrible at managing their money and decidedly not rich, but my grandparents helped us financially. My grandparents were first generation Jewish immigrants who bootstrapped their way into the "American dream" but what that meant was that money was kind of all they cared about. Any partner I've ever had has been judged by how much income they made. They expressed disappointment when I went into social work because of the salary the job comes with. Their financial support always came with strings—when I went through a brutal custody case and almost lost my children, no one offered me money for a lawyer because I was queer and divorced and they didn't approve of those things. My ex-husband financially ruined me and managed to steal almost all of my generational wealth, including the two-family home I'd purchased for us when we got married.
I'm comfortable financially now but only because I married someone with family money. I make only like $30,000 a year. We recently bought a house together (read: he bought us a house) and for a while we were looking at all these historic, beautiful Victorian homes and I got so caught up in the idea of living in one of them until we put an offer in on one that was accepted and I began to really look at the reality of the financial and physical upkeep of a house like that. I realized that I didn't want or need a huge house, I just wanted something comfortable and manageable. It's definitely going to be a lifetime of work to unlearn the messages I got about money (I'm also a 2H Leo, I like nice things!!!) while also grappling with the ways I was punished—by my ex, by my family—for being queer and trans and getting divorced, how tenuous financial stability can be for those of us on the margins.
Sorry for this rambling mess of a comment! This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
Frankie, it's fascinating to me how different our upbringings were but also how many parallels there are. It reminds me so much that the human experience is a shared experience, and that family issues are also cultural issues. When I moved out of my mom and stepdad's house they would sometimes give me money, but, like your experience, there were strings attached. If I took the money then I wasn't allowed a voice.
I am so glad you found someone you love, who is also financially secure. Because everyone deserves to have financial security without having to sacrifice parts of themselves. And I relate when it comes to housing- I used to dream of a big house, but now I would be content living in a decent-sized apartment. My dream house is under 2,000 square feet. I've always LOVED those old Victorians but lived in one as a nanny and it was constantly under renovation. They can become an ongoing project. As someone who shares leonine traits (it is my sun sign after all hehe) I also love nice things. And working as a nanny revealed a level of having nice things I'd never seen before. I wanted all those things! But I'm learning to be realistic because at my income level buying nice things means that I will be broke. I want to get a sewing machine so I can sew my own clothes, because I love expressing myself in clothing but can't afford the eccentric and well made clothes I love. So that's my next project!
And no need to apologize. I love hearing your thoughts and love that you're willing to share your experiences and perspective with me <3
River, thank you so so so so much for writing this essay and sharing it with us. It’s an honor to learn what makes you, you. You touched on so many complex subjects (inheritance, manifestation BS, mother-daughter relationships, being raised by someone who struggles with mental health, etc…) and told your story in such a beautiful way.
Closet Tip: Turn a closet into a sanctuary. Whatever that means to you. The closet in my home office is painted dark purple, with tarot cards sitting on a white fluffy rug. This is where I go to meditate/cry/journal/feel. Having a place like this in my home has done wonders for my sanity. It’s a special treat to create a safe space like for myself, especially after growing up in such an unsafe way.
Tawny, thank you so much for this genuine reflection of my work- it's very meaningful to me. Your comment reminds me how much I have to contribute to the larger discourse surrounding these subjects, and inspires me to write about them more.
I love love love your closet tip. Currently my big closet is mostly bare except for my cat's litter box. i can envision getting a little rug and making it a hidden sanctuary, like you have- for some reason I've been wanting to get one of those big round stuffed animals (I think they were originally Japanese??) and this would be the perfect place to put that. There's something really special and nurturing about reserving a small enclosed space to be with myself. I never would have thought of that, so thank you. ❤️
The law of attraction has caused so much damage on too many levels to count.
The stories our familes leave many of us about money … a lot of damage there, too. I grew up very poor, was never anything but poor, but my mom was also a spendthrift who never stopped believing the world owed her more. Still does. It left me with an almost complete inability to spend money on myself. I wasn’t afraid of debt; I was afraid of becoming like her, always overspending and believing others owed me something, whether it’s money or attention to my work.
I can’t remember exactly what my thoughts were about income when my book came out, but I was thinking about those hopes recently, hopes and desires about writing, and it always, always comes back to something I heard Stephen Colbert say to Oprah some years ago: I just want to be able to keep doing the work. It’s the work that matters to me, the process. There was a lot of release, for me, in acknowledging that to myself. I live and breathe writing, and to keep doing so in some form or another feels like the biggest luxury I can imagine.
I relate soooo deeply to this. Although we reacted to our mothers in different ways, obviously both of us have inherited money baggage (everyone does, I guess, but I feel like the scarcity thing is very deep). I love that quote. It embodies exactly what I want from my book's release- just enough so that I can keep living this life as a writer, even if it still feels tenuous. I do know that it's the path I've chosen wholeheartedly, no matter how much I have to struggle. I can't imagine doing anything else. And it IS a luxury. At least it feels that way to me (too). I am grateful every day that I get to sit down and write, and that people read it, and that I make just enough to survive as a writer. Just enough is enough. <3
I feel the same! While also, of course, feeling pretty fiercely that writers and artists of all kind need to be paid more--as I know you do. So does everyone, of course. Well, almost everyone.
I don't think I'm able to write about my folks and money yet. Too much therapy to wade through before I can do that. But yes. The thing I'm learning lately is that all of the baggage we accrue through a life can honestly be dropped whenever we're ready. We just have to allow ourselves to actually set it down. It never belonged to us, and the longer we carry it, the heavier it becomes. May you set yours down as you're ready, and may you always have a bit more than enough. You've shared a great deal with us today, and I thank you for it.
Thank you, Sean. I feel like dropping the baggage is an ongoing process of letting go. I can drop it, but inevitably something will trigger a response in me and there's all my baggage again! It's a matter of understanding when that happens and one again setting old patterns down, and tending to the parts of myself that live in that old world, where I needed the coping mechanisms that no longer serve me. Money's a really hard one, especially when so many of us struggle to have enough of it.
Dearest River, this was hauntingly beautiful, touching, heartbreaking and human. Thank you for sharing your words, wisdom and reflections with us. They are so valued. I can't wait to read your book. And at least pay you back a bit monetarily for that.
Money is so complicated whew! I grew up with money—as in, my mom's parents were rich thanks to a business they opened after their three kids were adults, my parents ran a tennis academy and were terrible at managing their money and decidedly not rich, but my grandparents helped us financially. My grandparents were first generation Jewish immigrants who bootstrapped their way into the "American dream" but what that meant was that money was kind of all they cared about. Any partner I've ever had has been judged by how much income they made. They expressed disappointment when I went into social work because of the salary the job comes with. Their financial support always came with strings—when I went through a brutal custody case and almost lost my children, no one offered me money for a lawyer because I was queer and divorced and they didn't approve of those things. My ex-husband financially ruined me and managed to steal almost all of my generational wealth, including the two-family home I'd purchased for us when we got married.
I'm comfortable financially now but only because I married someone with family money. I make only like $30,000 a year. We recently bought a house together (read: he bought us a house) and for a while we were looking at all these historic, beautiful Victorian homes and I got so caught up in the idea of living in one of them until we put an offer in on one that was accepted and I began to really look at the reality of the financial and physical upkeep of a house like that. I realized that I didn't want or need a huge house, I just wanted something comfortable and manageable. It's definitely going to be a lifetime of work to unlearn the messages I got about money (I'm also a 2H Leo, I like nice things!!!) while also grappling with the ways I was punished—by my ex, by my family—for being queer and trans and getting divorced, how tenuous financial stability can be for those of us on the margins.
Sorry for this rambling mess of a comment! This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
Frankie, it's fascinating to me how different our upbringings were but also how many parallels there are. It reminds me so much that the human experience is a shared experience, and that family issues are also cultural issues. When I moved out of my mom and stepdad's house they would sometimes give me money, but, like your experience, there were strings attached. If I took the money then I wasn't allowed a voice.
I am so glad you found someone you love, who is also financially secure. Because everyone deserves to have financial security without having to sacrifice parts of themselves. And I relate when it comes to housing- I used to dream of a big house, but now I would be content living in a decent-sized apartment. My dream house is under 2,000 square feet. I've always LOVED those old Victorians but lived in one as a nanny and it was constantly under renovation. They can become an ongoing project. As someone who shares leonine traits (it is my sun sign after all hehe) I also love nice things. And working as a nanny revealed a level of having nice things I'd never seen before. I wanted all those things! But I'm learning to be realistic because at my income level buying nice things means that I will be broke. I want to get a sewing machine so I can sew my own clothes, because I love expressing myself in clothing but can't afford the eccentric and well made clothes I love. So that's my next project!
And no need to apologize. I love hearing your thoughts and love that you're willing to share your experiences and perspective with me <3
River, thank you so so so so much for writing this essay and sharing it with us. It’s an honor to learn what makes you, you. You touched on so many complex subjects (inheritance, manifestation BS, mother-daughter relationships, being raised by someone who struggles with mental health, etc…) and told your story in such a beautiful way.
Closet Tip: Turn a closet into a sanctuary. Whatever that means to you. The closet in my home office is painted dark purple, with tarot cards sitting on a white fluffy rug. This is where I go to meditate/cry/journal/feel. Having a place like this in my home has done wonders for my sanity. It’s a special treat to create a safe space like for myself, especially after growing up in such an unsafe way.
Hugs to you! 🫶🏽
Tawny, thank you so much for this genuine reflection of my work- it's very meaningful to me. Your comment reminds me how much I have to contribute to the larger discourse surrounding these subjects, and inspires me to write about them more.
I love love love your closet tip. Currently my big closet is mostly bare except for my cat's litter box. i can envision getting a little rug and making it a hidden sanctuary, like you have- for some reason I've been wanting to get one of those big round stuffed animals (I think they were originally Japanese??) and this would be the perfect place to put that. There's something really special and nurturing about reserving a small enclosed space to be with myself. I never would have thought of that, so thank you. ❤️
The law of attraction has caused so much damage on too many levels to count.
The stories our familes leave many of us about money … a lot of damage there, too. I grew up very poor, was never anything but poor, but my mom was also a spendthrift who never stopped believing the world owed her more. Still does. It left me with an almost complete inability to spend money on myself. I wasn’t afraid of debt; I was afraid of becoming like her, always overspending and believing others owed me something, whether it’s money or attention to my work.
I can’t remember exactly what my thoughts were about income when my book came out, but I was thinking about those hopes recently, hopes and desires about writing, and it always, always comes back to something I heard Stephen Colbert say to Oprah some years ago: I just want to be able to keep doing the work. It’s the work that matters to me, the process. There was a lot of release, for me, in acknowledging that to myself. I live and breathe writing, and to keep doing so in some form or another feels like the biggest luxury I can imagine.
I relate soooo deeply to this. Although we reacted to our mothers in different ways, obviously both of us have inherited money baggage (everyone does, I guess, but I feel like the scarcity thing is very deep). I love that quote. It embodies exactly what I want from my book's release- just enough so that I can keep living this life as a writer, even if it still feels tenuous. I do know that it's the path I've chosen wholeheartedly, no matter how much I have to struggle. I can't imagine doing anything else. And it IS a luxury. At least it feels that way to me (too). I am grateful every day that I get to sit down and write, and that people read it, and that I make just enough to survive as a writer. Just enough is enough. <3
I feel the same! While also, of course, feeling pretty fiercely that writers and artists of all kind need to be paid more--as I know you do. So does everyone, of course. Well, almost everyone.
*almost* everyone is exactly right.
I will be purchasing and reading your book!!!!
Thank you so much, that truly means everything to me!!
I don't think I'm able to write about my folks and money yet. Too much therapy to wade through before I can do that. But yes. The thing I'm learning lately is that all of the baggage we accrue through a life can honestly be dropped whenever we're ready. We just have to allow ourselves to actually set it down. It never belonged to us, and the longer we carry it, the heavier it becomes. May you set yours down as you're ready, and may you always have a bit more than enough. You've shared a great deal with us today, and I thank you for it.
Thank you, Sean. I feel like dropping the baggage is an ongoing process of letting go. I can drop it, but inevitably something will trigger a response in me and there's all my baggage again! It's a matter of understanding when that happens and one again setting old patterns down, and tending to the parts of myself that live in that old world, where I needed the coping mechanisms that no longer serve me. Money's a really hard one, especially when so many of us struggle to have enough of it.
Thank you for this offering. You’ve left me a lot to think about!
Thank you so much for reading!!!
I'm glad you have a safe and spacious home River. The frogs sound good
The frogs are bright green and beautiful!! Thank you so much <3
Dearest River, this was hauntingly beautiful, touching, heartbreaking and human. Thank you for sharing your words, wisdom and reflections with us. They are so valued. I can't wait to read your book. And at least pay you back a bit monetarily for that.