I'm not a mother either. I've educated hundreds of children (I've also heard all theses phrases like "luckily you've got all these ones all week long to teach :D I don't feel anger, people are simply unaware or awkward). After 40 years old, people definitely stopped asking me all the stuff you know. Now I'm grateful I've finally learned how to mother myself. That's the best gift to myself as a child. Motherhood and childhood have been painful topics for most of my life. But I feel at peace right now, both with my mother's story, my own story as a child, and my adult's story. I wish you to feel as you wish about your own journey. And maybe to give yourself all that you needed (not a unsollicited advice, simply something I also tell myself regularly not to abandon myself). :)
I love this reflection, Marion. And as someone who came out as non-binary in my late 30s, I have definitely experienced the waning of questions, and I must say, I appreciate it. some thing I didn’t really get around two in this post is the engagement with mothering oneself, which is some thing I’ve been learning to do over the past few years. As you likely know, it’s groundbreaking work, and self-breaking work- in a good way. today is the first Mother’s Day in many years that I haven’t felt deficient in some way, either as a child of a mother or as a mother without children. How wonderful to find this peace. I’m really glad that you have found it for today.
I hope you don't mind a little gentle disagreement, my friend. I know many very good mothers who did not give birth to a child - stepmoms, adoptive moms, aunties (especially in nonwestern cultures).
I also like to think about the noun mother, whose roots are in birthing, and the verb to mother, which is not assoicated with birthing. I think that in your childcare work, and in your more casual interactions with children, you were a very good mother in the sense of the verb. And, like any person who mothers children, you carry that into your broader life.
I think this is genetic and is an evolutionary trait necessary for survival of a species. It is quite common in the natural world for a primate, for example, to adopt the offspring of a mother who has died. This says nothing about gender.
So, I think you should be proud to talk about your abilities and experience in mothering, even if you are not quite comfortable calling yourself a mother.
I'd love to tell you about my experiences with my mother, but I am not as bold as you in sharing my personal life. Perhaps we can do that another time.
Thank you, Tom! If you read closely you’ll see that I am absolutely not claiming that one has to birth a child to be a mother. I am asking a series of questions- a line of inquiry is very different than a declaration. The wonderful thing about questions that it allows readers to see what answers are surfacing for them. I think an open question is one of the truest ways to see what assumptions we may have about a subject. I do not claim to be a mother, nor do I claim not be a mother. my preference is almost always to situate myself in the middle ground between yes and no.
That said, I appreciate your reflection, especially on the etymology of the word. I hope this day has been good for you.
Yes, I understood that. I really enjoy your essays for exactly this reason - they are inquiries into us and what we do. My work right now is an inquiry into the deep history of humans and our relations to trees.
Today has been good. I went for a hike, something my Mother very much loved. In her 80s, she would complain that her son and daughter-in-law, both botanists, were too slow.
"Call your mother. She's the only mother you'll ever have." But I was her only daughter. And while she could be kind and loving to my younger brother, she was cruel and vicious to me (the reason she had to get married). I was honest about what was going on. She lied. I'm the bad one, troubled. Because she's such a good manipulator, I had to remove myself from anyone who continued a relationship with her -- family, family friends. Even the ones who were estranged from her would eventually fall back into that web, and then I would have to back away. Thank you for this post, Anastasia. I, too, am not a mother, but had babysat since I was 8, helped to raise my cousin after his parents' divorce, stayed with a friend to take care of her son after chemo while her husband was at work, always with a kid in my lap at a gathering, like smoke going to the face of a non-smoker. When I had the opportunity to become a mother, I chose not to and, yes, it's because I was afraid I'd be her. I was also stupid and selfish and a little bitch. Who did I think I was? All of that lingered until I finalized our divorce, cutting ties over 20 years ago. I could finally move on, own the mistakes that were mine and let go of the behavior she forced upon me in order to protect myself. Now, there is peace. Thank you again, Anastasia. Wishing you goodness and joy. So glad Notes led me here. xo
Thank you so much for sharing yourself here, Sandra. I feel the pain of your past experiences. What a gift to make it to the end of your comment and see that you have also found some peace amongst the wreckage. Sometimes I feel like the experiences that have most destroyed me are also the ones that have helped reshape me into who I needed to be. Sending you lots of love.
I could write an essay in response to this. Beautiful and thought provoking. Thank you. I feel blessed to have stumbled upon it today. I do have three children whom I birthed in the span of 21 years. I lost my own mother in 2018, 3 months before I found out I was pregnant with my second child. She had infertility issues and finally had me 4 years after giving up on having her own. I lived in the shadow of that “miracle”. I had my first when I was 17. I do and also do not know why I made the choices I did. At that time I could’ve made either but parents still had a very profound influence on that. That’s an entirely other topic along with my relationship with my own mother. Now I have a 3 and 4 year old, escaped an abusive relationship and hardly any support. I’m parenting my inner child, in counseling and I have trauma in spades. As if I don’t have enough to do already. Ay.
I think selfishness is subjective. Sometimes being selfish is actually the most selfless thing you can do depending on the situation. When it comes to being a mother in any sense of the word that still holds true.
I also believe that just because someone doesn’t love you in the way you need or deserve to be doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have or can muster up. I know this from my own experiences with loving others. I think intention is more important in some cases than what is actually put into action. Then again I believe love is a verb, not a noun. That the act of loving someone is the quintessential meaning of it. Love, selfishness, selflessness, sacrifice... it’s all very contradictory and co-existing. Pretending it’s not is a real issue in many relationships and within accepting ourselves and others. We are taught to sacrifice for our children yet practice self love and because we aren’t equipped to understand what that looks like or given the support to do it in a constructive, healthy way, we are left feeling like we are failing at both. I have no village this time around. I need to be selfish at times so that I can show up for my children and friends in the most selfless way. Yet I don’t get that chance so I end up looking and feeling like I’m completely one or the other. There needs to be balance. I’ve found the support comes from the most unexpected places. Such as those with no children and other people’s mothers. One of my greatest confidants at the moment is a transgender male and a group for liberated mothers for crying out loud! My nanny who has suffered a many miscarriages was the one who sat with my children and had them make a little art project for me. She cares for my children but she is indirectly and intentionally at times, caring for me too!
The state of traditional motherhood is in shambles. From the lack of support, oppression and the way society breaks our spirits as whole. Much of which comes from actual birth mothers! There is so much shame and struggle circulating around it these days. This causes a lot of resentment and confusion. I stayed away from it all day as much as possible and I’m happy to have read this tonight to bring to mind my own thoughts on the label of “Mother” and remain grounded in my universal feelings of it.
I'm not a mother either. I've educated hundreds of children (I've also heard all theses phrases like "luckily you've got all these ones all week long to teach :D I don't feel anger, people are simply unaware or awkward). After 40 years old, people definitely stopped asking me all the stuff you know. Now I'm grateful I've finally learned how to mother myself. That's the best gift to myself as a child. Motherhood and childhood have been painful topics for most of my life. But I feel at peace right now, both with my mother's story, my own story as a child, and my adult's story. I wish you to feel as you wish about your own journey. And maybe to give yourself all that you needed (not a unsollicited advice, simply something I also tell myself regularly not to abandon myself). :)
I love this reflection, Marion. And as someone who came out as non-binary in my late 30s, I have definitely experienced the waning of questions, and I must say, I appreciate it. some thing I didn’t really get around two in this post is the engagement with mothering oneself, which is some thing I’ve been learning to do over the past few years. As you likely know, it’s groundbreaking work, and self-breaking work- in a good way. today is the first Mother’s Day in many years that I haven’t felt deficient in some way, either as a child of a mother or as a mother without children. How wonderful to find this peace. I’m really glad that you have found it for today.
I hope you don't mind a little gentle disagreement, my friend. I know many very good mothers who did not give birth to a child - stepmoms, adoptive moms, aunties (especially in nonwestern cultures).
I also like to think about the noun mother, whose roots are in birthing, and the verb to mother, which is not assoicated with birthing. I think that in your childcare work, and in your more casual interactions with children, you were a very good mother in the sense of the verb. And, like any person who mothers children, you carry that into your broader life.
I think this is genetic and is an evolutionary trait necessary for survival of a species. It is quite common in the natural world for a primate, for example, to adopt the offspring of a mother who has died. This says nothing about gender.
So, I think you should be proud to talk about your abilities and experience in mothering, even if you are not quite comfortable calling yourself a mother.
I'd love to tell you about my experiences with my mother, but I am not as bold as you in sharing my personal life. Perhaps we can do that another time.
Happy Mothers Day!
Thank you, Tom! If you read closely you’ll see that I am absolutely not claiming that one has to birth a child to be a mother. I am asking a series of questions- a line of inquiry is very different than a declaration. The wonderful thing about questions that it allows readers to see what answers are surfacing for them. I think an open question is one of the truest ways to see what assumptions we may have about a subject. I do not claim to be a mother, nor do I claim not be a mother. my preference is almost always to situate myself in the middle ground between yes and no.
That said, I appreciate your reflection, especially on the etymology of the word. I hope this day has been good for you.
Yes, I understood that. I really enjoy your essays for exactly this reason - they are inquiries into us and what we do. My work right now is an inquiry into the deep history of humans and our relations to trees.
Today has been good. I went for a hike, something my Mother very much loved. In her 80s, she would complain that her son and daughter-in-law, both botanists, were too slow.
"Call your mother. She's the only mother you'll ever have." But I was her only daughter. And while she could be kind and loving to my younger brother, she was cruel and vicious to me (the reason she had to get married). I was honest about what was going on. She lied. I'm the bad one, troubled. Because she's such a good manipulator, I had to remove myself from anyone who continued a relationship with her -- family, family friends. Even the ones who were estranged from her would eventually fall back into that web, and then I would have to back away. Thank you for this post, Anastasia. I, too, am not a mother, but had babysat since I was 8, helped to raise my cousin after his parents' divorce, stayed with a friend to take care of her son after chemo while her husband was at work, always with a kid in my lap at a gathering, like smoke going to the face of a non-smoker. When I had the opportunity to become a mother, I chose not to and, yes, it's because I was afraid I'd be her. I was also stupid and selfish and a little bitch. Who did I think I was? All of that lingered until I finalized our divorce, cutting ties over 20 years ago. I could finally move on, own the mistakes that were mine and let go of the behavior she forced upon me in order to protect myself. Now, there is peace. Thank you again, Anastasia. Wishing you goodness and joy. So glad Notes led me here. xo
Thank you so much for sharing yourself here, Sandra. I feel the pain of your past experiences. What a gift to make it to the end of your comment and see that you have also found some peace amongst the wreckage. Sometimes I feel like the experiences that have most destroyed me are also the ones that have helped reshape me into who I needed to be. Sending you lots of love.
I could write an essay in response to this. Beautiful and thought provoking. Thank you. I feel blessed to have stumbled upon it today. I do have three children whom I birthed in the span of 21 years. I lost my own mother in 2018, 3 months before I found out I was pregnant with my second child. She had infertility issues and finally had me 4 years after giving up on having her own. I lived in the shadow of that “miracle”. I had my first when I was 17. I do and also do not know why I made the choices I did. At that time I could’ve made either but parents still had a very profound influence on that. That’s an entirely other topic along with my relationship with my own mother. Now I have a 3 and 4 year old, escaped an abusive relationship and hardly any support. I’m parenting my inner child, in counseling and I have trauma in spades. As if I don’t have enough to do already. Ay.
I think selfishness is subjective. Sometimes being selfish is actually the most selfless thing you can do depending on the situation. When it comes to being a mother in any sense of the word that still holds true.
I also believe that just because someone doesn’t love you in the way you need or deserve to be doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have or can muster up. I know this from my own experiences with loving others. I think intention is more important in some cases than what is actually put into action. Then again I believe love is a verb, not a noun. That the act of loving someone is the quintessential meaning of it. Love, selfishness, selflessness, sacrifice... it’s all very contradictory and co-existing. Pretending it’s not is a real issue in many relationships and within accepting ourselves and others. We are taught to sacrifice for our children yet practice self love and because we aren’t equipped to understand what that looks like or given the support to do it in a constructive, healthy way, we are left feeling like we are failing at both. I have no village this time around. I need to be selfish at times so that I can show up for my children and friends in the most selfless way. Yet I don’t get that chance so I end up looking and feeling like I’m completely one or the other. There needs to be balance. I’ve found the support comes from the most unexpected places. Such as those with no children and other people’s mothers. One of my greatest confidants at the moment is a transgender male and a group for liberated mothers for crying out loud! My nanny who has suffered a many miscarriages was the one who sat with my children and had them make a little art project for me. She cares for my children but she is indirectly and intentionally at times, caring for me too!
The state of traditional motherhood is in shambles. From the lack of support, oppression and the way society breaks our spirits as whole. Much of which comes from actual birth mothers! There is so much shame and struggle circulating around it these days. This causes a lot of resentment and confusion. I stayed away from it all day as much as possible and I’m happy to have read this tonight to bring to mind my own thoughts on the label of “Mother” and remain grounded in my universal feelings of it.
Thank you again.