Yes to everything you said here, specially the jealousy bit. I hated myself so much in yesteryears for not being at par with the circle of friends I grew up with. I now know the design of social media was to enable this envy which fuels its growth and the advertisers who promise you that they can sell solutions to all your problems. I am glad that you yet again found your way out of it.
I have discovered that the cure to social media is always deeper and more meaningful connections in the real world because social media lures us in promising those things but hardly delivering.
Absolutely agree about your cure. Finding deep connections outside of social media really changes everything, and makes it so much easier to stay away. Also, idk what your friends are like, but to me I think you are absolutely amazing. A deep thinker with so much generosity in your heart. I'm grateful this resonated and grateful you're here. The material matters so little beyond simply having enough to care for ourselves, truly.
You are a kind soul my friend to have seen something of worth in me. I think a lot of us are awakening to the truth of spiritual deprivation we feel of being on platforms like Instagram and tiktok. But I also clearly see how relentless its grasps really are and how easy it is to lose ourselves in its endless scrolls. It specially comes handy when one wants to deliberately dissociate out of pain or simply boredom.
I still think creating these small communities to talk to and about our problems and ongoing struggles of being human will redeem us from any such vicious cycles. Please know that you are seen, heard, and loved - even if the love doesn’t feel readily available or accessible instantly, it’s there - within the life of people you touch with your words, within all the pets you have loved and cared for, within the acts of kindness and smiles you freely share, and most importantly within yourself.
I got a gadget called the brick. It blocks apps from your phone and won’t let you open them until you physically tap your phone to the brick. I gave mine to a trusted friend to manage for me and make me pause before I unblock apps!
This is awesome! I have def looked into dumb phone devices, but ultimately I can't justify spending the money on another phone when I have one. That said- I turned my phone into a brick- barely any apps. And it worked for me in the past! Until it didn't, lol.
I agree with so much of this. Esp: "Outside of social media, I care less what others think of me. I ask: What do I think of myself. What is my purpose? What do I love? I seek quiet. I seek contemplation. I peruse the internet, taking the time to read full articles and essays. I read more books. Slowly."
I keep Instagram off my phone when I can, but I have a book to promote now so it's there, calling to me, inviting me to open it and feel bad about myself.
It is a tragedy (imo) that social media is a necessary evil for writers and artists needing to promote their work, but it is also helpful in that way, which I guess is good! I don't have any of the apps on my phone anymore but will have to figure things out when it comes time to promote my book.
I agree with all of this and I am on a similar path with my social media. I have deactivated everything apart from substack- I have a blocker on WhatsApp it’s called one sec app as I was so overwhelmed with group chats etc. I am now addicted to reclaiming my time back and I honestly don’t think I will go back. So much of my adult life has been consumed by social media. The effects are - my brain is exhausted
Thank you for unequivocally rejecting social media. I find the lack of depth, piping hot takes, cop-brain when it came to others and the noise (so much noise) disturbed my spirit greatly. I really enjoyed this post and hope you continue to address the themes you've explored here.
Here's hoping Substack can hold onto its creative community spirit and depth.
WOW! This is SO GOOD! And so glad you wrote it. Resonates. I recently started a social media pause and have found my life enormously more fulfilling without it. Maybe the break will turn into forever.
I hope you’re able to prioritize your mental health and overall wellbeing by staying away from social media. Something that really helped me was reading Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport. I did my first digital detox in November 2021, and haven’t really ever gone back. I still have my Facebook and Instagram accounts, but I only look at them maybe 2-3 times a year. I pretty much only check IG to find out about my local food trucks (for reals), but otherwise find that social media leaves me feeling hollow and like I’ve wasted my precious time. I don’t fit in, and social media makes me feel “less” and “not enough”, but the truth is that I’ve very deliberately chosen the life I live, and I’m much happier if I stay present in the real world.
I agree that this is a brilliant piece! I feel like I’ll be thinking about it for some time, and will read it at least one or two more times. Thank you so much for sharing! 💗
I wrote about that book in this newsletter! It was game changing for me. Luckily there are a lot of smart people writing about this, and it can be helpful to revisit those texts when I am backsliding. Thank you so much for reading, and I am honored that it's helpful for you. <3
Sep 10·edited Sep 10Liked by River Selby (they/them)
Absolutely Brilliant River! Brilliant!!! From the beginning, I found the idea of 'social' media appalling. I knew as an easily addicted person I should never go near it. Well...I did go on Instagram out of curiosity. For 6 days. I bailed then, grossed out by all the "I've got mine, don't you wish you did too?" people. And the most pretentious, most ostentatious people are the biggest breast beaters. Posting, Oh the Poor Ukrainians! Gaza is so tragic! However, I didn't see a single post of how they were helping the underprivileged or offering information to guide people to charitable agencies. Nope. Their very next post would be about their trip on their new yacht or buying baubles for their toddler grandchildren that cost more than my rent. Wailing about politics, but do they DO anything? Canvas? Work to get the candidate they cheer about elected? Nope. Ride those coattails, doing nothing...but trying to appear righteous. Yuck! Double YUCK! I knew social media would be a curse on the World, but did not realize how powerfully addictive it would be. I too, am autistic which no doubt opened my eyes as yours are to the empty materialism, the phoney 'connectiveness' of it all. Definitely saving this to send to social media addicted friends who are in denial about their addiction. I save all your newsletters though. I hope to be in a position soon to become a paid subscriber. I cherish your worthwhile thoughts and send you positive reiki energy each time I read your valuable perspectives on the World.
Thank you Tana! I honestly really empathize with folks posting on SM about social issues, because it's easy to feel like that's all we can do. But it's also easy to only do that, and not do a little more, like you said. It all starts to feel like a pyramid scheme for me, but I know that many of the folks posting about their amazing lives also struggle, and that posting gives them something, even if it's superficial. I am currently phone banking for Kamala and not posting about anything on social media, which feels more productive...
Thank you SO much for phone banking River! Although I currently live in Minnesota (Hooray for Tim Walz!) I will be calling voters again today in my home state of Wisconsin where I feel it is more needed. When we phone, we win! ;-)
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate what you have pointed out here, but cannot completely agree with you. Compassion for all is vitally important. People are incredulous that I feel sorry for Donald Trump. I can hold compassion for people within me, while at the same time feeling contemptuous of how they act. I am aware that all people struggle, however some people make the struggle much harder for others and simply don't care. They curate their lives to hide their foibles and struggles leaving others wondering WTF happened to MY life?! I have had many dealings with wealthy privileged people in my 7 decades of life and it no doubt created some prejudices. It also informed me about the callousness of the uber wealthy IRL. Now they permeate the internet. It is the self-centered ACTIONS of these ostentatious people that makes 'social' media so toxic. And so materialistic. I know the majority to be uncaring donothings and doubtfully will not change my opinion until they act like honest, caring people. These posters I speak of are not among the wealthy people I have known or known of as charitable. Those people spend their time doing, not bragging. Not even going to get into the ignorant misinformation these out of touch people post and amplify. Good Goddess!
Thank you for showing these people compassion River. I truly wish you could inoculate them with some of it.
I can understand your perspective for sure. I nannied for wealthy families for a long time. All I can say is that their value systems are much different, and it's easy to adhere to one's value systems when you're never really challenged, you know? A lot of my employers treated me really well- I know I was lucky in this experience. Some did not, of course. But I do feel compassion for them. As far as Trump, I don't feel sorry for him! I think I did at first but then I realized I was over-empathizing. He is a monster. Some people are monstrous. I do hope that he can grow as a person, but what he has done in his lifetime is very harmful, so I cannot feel sorry for him at all, just like I cannot feel sorry for the people in my life who have truly done me harm. You know?
I think what you're saying gets to one of the reasons I have decided not to be on social media anymore. It turns people into products, and forces us to lose all complexity in receiving each other. Those who are extremely wealthy (we're talking tens of millions and above) are not living in our world. It makes me sad that so much of the aspiration in our culture is oriented towards wealth and not generosity, but at the same time I do see and know many people who are oriented towards generosity, you know? the uber wealthy are a minority. I only hope that a change in administration can give us the power to change trickle down economics into something that serves everyone- not just them.
Oof yes, I too have been struggling with resurging uses of social media after taking a break, trying to take some time away again and this was very helpful in grounding me to do so.
Man this resonates! I deleted myself off FB about 10 years ago, never ever joined either Twitter or TikTok (had to google how that is spelt actually 😆) and have only really had instagram now I think about it. Even that app requires TONS of self discipline and lengthy breaks to reset/decompress. Thank you for putting my feelings into words 🙏🏼
LOVED this as someone who FINALLY is sticking to everything but text messages social media. I've kept Youtube on to "scroll" if I need to since it's not as addictive. Hopefully I can stay off for good too. Loved your post and your analysis. I think so many people have been feeling this way, and your point about jealousy made me feel so incredibly validated.
I am also addicted to social media and so I have to have very strong boundaries around it. I do not have a Twitter or Instagram account anymore because using in moderation is simply not possible for me. I usually keep my Facebook deactivated except for short periods when I need to use the local groups to get a need met. I can also get sucked into YouTube, Discord servers if there are strangers in them, and now Substack's home page. I use the SelfControl app on my Mac to block certain websites from myself for days at a time. I really appreciate what you shared about pausing and noticing the deeper feelings (churning unrest, longing) you have while on social media. That resonates with me. It's very intense trying to figure out how to exist in society when social media is so pervasive and integrated in social life. I do miss out on some concrete IRL social opportunities by not being on it which really sucks because I'm already so isolated due to illness and ableism. Anyway here I am rambling to a stranger on social media, rip, so I'll go now. Thanks for sharing your piece
This all resonates with me, Soren. My hope with this newsletter is to create a sense of positive community for those of us for whom social media is toxic. Your comment only gives me more faith that this is the right direction to move towards. Sending warmth your way. <3
So fucking good, River.
Thank you SO much Tiffany. This one felt really vulnerable and I was kind of scared to post it, so this really means a lot. <3
I want to write a more thoughtful response when I get a chance, but still wanted to say that first. It's a brilliant post. I'm so glad you wrote it.
Yes to everything you said here, specially the jealousy bit. I hated myself so much in yesteryears for not being at par with the circle of friends I grew up with. I now know the design of social media was to enable this envy which fuels its growth and the advertisers who promise you that they can sell solutions to all your problems. I am glad that you yet again found your way out of it.
I have discovered that the cure to social media is always deeper and more meaningful connections in the real world because social media lures us in promising those things but hardly delivering.
Absolutely agree about your cure. Finding deep connections outside of social media really changes everything, and makes it so much easier to stay away. Also, idk what your friends are like, but to me I think you are absolutely amazing. A deep thinker with so much generosity in your heart. I'm grateful this resonated and grateful you're here. The material matters so little beyond simply having enough to care for ourselves, truly.
You are a kind soul my friend to have seen something of worth in me. I think a lot of us are awakening to the truth of spiritual deprivation we feel of being on platforms like Instagram and tiktok. But I also clearly see how relentless its grasps really are and how easy it is to lose ourselves in its endless scrolls. It specially comes handy when one wants to deliberately dissociate out of pain or simply boredom.
I still think creating these small communities to talk to and about our problems and ongoing struggles of being human will redeem us from any such vicious cycles. Please know that you are seen, heard, and loved - even if the love doesn’t feel readily available or accessible instantly, it’s there - within the life of people you touch with your words, within all the pets you have loved and cared for, within the acts of kindness and smiles you freely share, and most importantly within yourself.
I got a gadget called the brick. It blocks apps from your phone and won’t let you open them until you physically tap your phone to the brick. I gave mine to a trusted friend to manage for me and make me pause before I unblock apps!
This is awesome! I have def looked into dumb phone devices, but ultimately I can't justify spending the money on another phone when I have one. That said- I turned my phone into a brick- barely any apps. And it worked for me in the past! Until it didn't, lol.
I just bought Brick thanks to your comment!
I agree with so much of this. Esp: "Outside of social media, I care less what others think of me. I ask: What do I think of myself. What is my purpose? What do I love? I seek quiet. I seek contemplation. I peruse the internet, taking the time to read full articles and essays. I read more books. Slowly."
I keep Instagram off my phone when I can, but I have a book to promote now so it's there, calling to me, inviting me to open it and feel bad about myself.
It is a tragedy (imo) that social media is a necessary evil for writers and artists needing to promote their work, but it is also helpful in that way, which I guess is good! I don't have any of the apps on my phone anymore but will have to figure things out when it comes time to promote my book.
Also, I too wrote about Instagram fuelling envy in my last newsletter :)
I am gonna check it out!
I agree with all of this and I am on a similar path with my social media. I have deactivated everything apart from substack- I have a blocker on WhatsApp it’s called one sec app as I was so overwhelmed with group chats etc. I am now addicted to reclaiming my time back and I honestly don’t think I will go back. So much of my adult life has been consumed by social media. The effects are - my brain is exhausted
It can be soooo exhausting. Thank you so much for reading and I am glad this resonated with you. Congratulations on being free!
Yes!!!! I'm going to be two years off instagram on October 2nd
Thank you for unequivocally rejecting social media. I find the lack of depth, piping hot takes, cop-brain when it came to others and the noise (so much noise) disturbed my spirit greatly. I really enjoyed this post and hope you continue to address the themes you've explored here.
Here's hoping Substack can hold onto its creative community spirit and depth.
Thank you so much, Jacqueline! There is a lot of content in my archives addressing these subjects, and you can bet I'll write more about them too!
I really am lit up with what I’ve seen of your work so far. Looking forward to digging in.
WOW! This is SO GOOD! And so glad you wrote it. Resonates. I recently started a social media pause and have found my life enormously more fulfilling without it. Maybe the break will turn into forever.
Thank you so much Abigail!
I hope you’re able to prioritize your mental health and overall wellbeing by staying away from social media. Something that really helped me was reading Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport. I did my first digital detox in November 2021, and haven’t really ever gone back. I still have my Facebook and Instagram accounts, but I only look at them maybe 2-3 times a year. I pretty much only check IG to find out about my local food trucks (for reals), but otherwise find that social media leaves me feeling hollow and like I’ve wasted my precious time. I don’t fit in, and social media makes me feel “less” and “not enough”, but the truth is that I’ve very deliberately chosen the life I live, and I’m much happier if I stay present in the real world.
I agree that this is a brilliant piece! I feel like I’ll be thinking about it for some time, and will read it at least one or two more times. Thank you so much for sharing! 💗
I wrote about that book in this newsletter! It was game changing for me. Luckily there are a lot of smart people writing about this, and it can be helpful to revisit those texts when I am backsliding. Thank you so much for reading, and I am honored that it's helpful for you. <3
Absolutely Brilliant River! Brilliant!!! From the beginning, I found the idea of 'social' media appalling. I knew as an easily addicted person I should never go near it. Well...I did go on Instagram out of curiosity. For 6 days. I bailed then, grossed out by all the "I've got mine, don't you wish you did too?" people. And the most pretentious, most ostentatious people are the biggest breast beaters. Posting, Oh the Poor Ukrainians! Gaza is so tragic! However, I didn't see a single post of how they were helping the underprivileged or offering information to guide people to charitable agencies. Nope. Their very next post would be about their trip on their new yacht or buying baubles for their toddler grandchildren that cost more than my rent. Wailing about politics, but do they DO anything? Canvas? Work to get the candidate they cheer about elected? Nope. Ride those coattails, doing nothing...but trying to appear righteous. Yuck! Double YUCK! I knew social media would be a curse on the World, but did not realize how powerfully addictive it would be. I too, am autistic which no doubt opened my eyes as yours are to the empty materialism, the phoney 'connectiveness' of it all. Definitely saving this to send to social media addicted friends who are in denial about their addiction. I save all your newsletters though. I hope to be in a position soon to become a paid subscriber. I cherish your worthwhile thoughts and send you positive reiki energy each time I read your valuable perspectives on the World.
Thank you Tana! I honestly really empathize with folks posting on SM about social issues, because it's easy to feel like that's all we can do. But it's also easy to only do that, and not do a little more, like you said. It all starts to feel like a pyramid scheme for me, but I know that many of the folks posting about their amazing lives also struggle, and that posting gives them something, even if it's superficial. I am currently phone banking for Kamala and not posting about anything on social media, which feels more productive...
Thank you SO much for phone banking River! Although I currently live in Minnesota (Hooray for Tim Walz!) I will be calling voters again today in my home state of Wisconsin where I feel it is more needed. When we phone, we win! ;-)
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate what you have pointed out here, but cannot completely agree with you. Compassion for all is vitally important. People are incredulous that I feel sorry for Donald Trump. I can hold compassion for people within me, while at the same time feeling contemptuous of how they act. I am aware that all people struggle, however some people make the struggle much harder for others and simply don't care. They curate their lives to hide their foibles and struggles leaving others wondering WTF happened to MY life?! I have had many dealings with wealthy privileged people in my 7 decades of life and it no doubt created some prejudices. It also informed me about the callousness of the uber wealthy IRL. Now they permeate the internet. It is the self-centered ACTIONS of these ostentatious people that makes 'social' media so toxic. And so materialistic. I know the majority to be uncaring donothings and doubtfully will not change my opinion until they act like honest, caring people. These posters I speak of are not among the wealthy people I have known or known of as charitable. Those people spend their time doing, not bragging. Not even going to get into the ignorant misinformation these out of touch people post and amplify. Good Goddess!
Thank you for showing these people compassion River. I truly wish you could inoculate them with some of it.
I can understand your perspective for sure. I nannied for wealthy families for a long time. All I can say is that their value systems are much different, and it's easy to adhere to one's value systems when you're never really challenged, you know? A lot of my employers treated me really well- I know I was lucky in this experience. Some did not, of course. But I do feel compassion for them. As far as Trump, I don't feel sorry for him! I think I did at first but then I realized I was over-empathizing. He is a monster. Some people are monstrous. I do hope that he can grow as a person, but what he has done in his lifetime is very harmful, so I cannot feel sorry for him at all, just like I cannot feel sorry for the people in my life who have truly done me harm. You know?
I think what you're saying gets to one of the reasons I have decided not to be on social media anymore. It turns people into products, and forces us to lose all complexity in receiving each other. Those who are extremely wealthy (we're talking tens of millions and above) are not living in our world. It makes me sad that so much of the aspiration in our culture is oriented towards wealth and not generosity, but at the same time I do see and know many people who are oriented towards generosity, you know? the uber wealthy are a minority. I only hope that a change in administration can give us the power to change trickle down economics into something that serves everyone- not just them.
Oof yes, I too have been struggling with resurging uses of social media after taking a break, trying to take some time away again and this was very helpful in grounding me to do so.
So glad it was helpful!!
Man this resonates! I deleted myself off FB about 10 years ago, never ever joined either Twitter or TikTok (had to google how that is spelt actually 😆) and have only really had instagram now I think about it. Even that app requires TONS of self discipline and lengthy breaks to reset/decompress. Thank you for putting my feelings into words 🙏🏼
So glad it resonates!! I am always navigating this stuff, and the response has been sooooo helpful in letting me know I am not alone.
LOVED this as someone who FINALLY is sticking to everything but text messages social media. I've kept Youtube on to "scroll" if I need to since it's not as addictive. Hopefully I can stay off for good too. Loved your post and your analysis. I think so many people have been feeling this way, and your point about jealousy made me feel so incredibly validated.
Appreciate your words here <3
Thank you Krish!!
I am also addicted to social media and so I have to have very strong boundaries around it. I do not have a Twitter or Instagram account anymore because using in moderation is simply not possible for me. I usually keep my Facebook deactivated except for short periods when I need to use the local groups to get a need met. I can also get sucked into YouTube, Discord servers if there are strangers in them, and now Substack's home page. I use the SelfControl app on my Mac to block certain websites from myself for days at a time. I really appreciate what you shared about pausing and noticing the deeper feelings (churning unrest, longing) you have while on social media. That resonates with me. It's very intense trying to figure out how to exist in society when social media is so pervasive and integrated in social life. I do miss out on some concrete IRL social opportunities by not being on it which really sucks because I'm already so isolated due to illness and ableism. Anyway here I am rambling to a stranger on social media, rip, so I'll go now. Thanks for sharing your piece
This all resonates with me, Soren. My hope with this newsletter is to create a sense of positive community for those of us for whom social media is toxic. Your comment only gives me more faith that this is the right direction to move towards. Sending warmth your way. <3