Anastasia, you have amazing courage to share such deep experiences. I admire you for it, while sympathizing with you for your loss and grief.
My father died suddendly one night, standing in front of me, when I was 10. He was an athlete and opera singer, so it was entirely unexpected as he was only 52. It turned out that he had an undiagnosed heart defect.
I bring this up in this context because, even though he is long gone, I carry him with me in good memories always. He was my first violin teachers, took me to many great concerts, took me on wonderful hikes. I had three older siblings, but it seemed that my father always had time for me. I am the only one to whom he taught music.
Everything I do is flavored by fond memories tinged with grief at his loss. I became a pretty good musician, though probably not as good as if he continued as my teacheer. I have spent my life hiking and mountain climbing in places he would have loved. I carry his Dutchness with me, especially when I live in Indonesia.
I have, in many respects, pushed aside my grief at losing him, and my mother took wonderful care of us. I suspect, though, that you are not able to push the grief aside so readily. Your loss was far more complicated and fraught than mine.
I'm happy to discuss this further at any time you might find it helpful.
Apparently, it's my morning for tears and self evaluation. 🙃 just had conversation w my 28yo daughter about my children giving me the same space to be that I gave them as they grew up. Freedom to express without negative repercussions.. as long as it wasn't targeted and hurtful to a particular being. Yell scream cry curse... it was all OK In The Physical Family Home. You learn how to express feelings and understand them and yourself. For me, it was all about breaking negative cycles I grew up with and did Not want to perpetuate.
In turn, as I tried to model adult behaviors, they put me on a pedestal which I never wanted. As adults, they kept me there. As I age, I'm learning more about myself and trying to accept my self without fitting into someone else's mold. I'm me. Like me or not that's OK. I'm learning how to like me completely without stifling or suppressing who I am. I grew up that way. I've been struggling to counter that all my life. It's an ongoing process. I'll never be perfect. That means fitting into someone else's idea of what I should be. I just want to be me. Express me. Live and Love me.
This is such a beautiful perspective. I feel like I don’t hear enough from parents with adult children about the dynamics of the changing relationships. Your kids are lucky to have someone so forthcoming and aware of their needs.
Anastasia, I am so sorry that you have carried this with you and simultaneously grateful that I had the opportunity to learn about how your relationship with your mother affected you. I really liked this part – "We all have ways of hiding who we really are. The places where we feel the most shame can rule us." For me, that's the physical place of my hometown. Do you ever feel like we carry physical places with us wherever we go?
I definitely take Seattle with me. That’s where my mom died, and it holds so much energy. I feel like I step back in time whenever I go there, which is why I can never live there again. I love your reflection. Thank you so much for reading and sharing.
Thank you for sharing. You’ve made me think so much that I’m not currently sure what my thoughts are, but I’m grateful for having them churn because of your words. I am sorry that you experienced this and that your mum experienced everything that led to it. ❤️
Anastasia, you have amazing courage to share such deep experiences. I admire you for it, while sympathizing with you for your loss and grief.
My father died suddendly one night, standing in front of me, when I was 10. He was an athlete and opera singer, so it was entirely unexpected as he was only 52. It turned out that he had an undiagnosed heart defect.
I bring this up in this context because, even though he is long gone, I carry him with me in good memories always. He was my first violin teachers, took me to many great concerts, took me on wonderful hikes. I had three older siblings, but it seemed that my father always had time for me. I am the only one to whom he taught music.
Everything I do is flavored by fond memories tinged with grief at his loss. I became a pretty good musician, though probably not as good as if he continued as my teacheer. I have spent my life hiking and mountain climbing in places he would have loved. I carry his Dutchness with me, especially when I live in Indonesia.
I have, in many respects, pushed aside my grief at losing him, and my mother took wonderful care of us. I suspect, though, that you are not able to push the grief aside so readily. Your loss was far more complicated and fraught than mine.
I'm happy to discuss this further at any time you might find it helpful.
Cheers
thank you Tom, for sharing.
Apparently, it's my morning for tears and self evaluation. 🙃 just had conversation w my 28yo daughter about my children giving me the same space to be that I gave them as they grew up. Freedom to express without negative repercussions.. as long as it wasn't targeted and hurtful to a particular being. Yell scream cry curse... it was all OK In The Physical Family Home. You learn how to express feelings and understand them and yourself. For me, it was all about breaking negative cycles I grew up with and did Not want to perpetuate.
In turn, as I tried to model adult behaviors, they put me on a pedestal which I never wanted. As adults, they kept me there. As I age, I'm learning more about myself and trying to accept my self without fitting into someone else's mold. I'm me. Like me or not that's OK. I'm learning how to like me completely without stifling or suppressing who I am. I grew up that way. I've been struggling to counter that all my life. It's an ongoing process. I'll never be perfect. That means fitting into someone else's idea of what I should be. I just want to be me. Express me. Live and Love me.
This is such a beautiful perspective. I feel like I don’t hear enough from parents with adult children about the dynamics of the changing relationships. Your kids are lucky to have someone so forthcoming and aware of their needs.
Anastasia, I am so sorry that you have carried this with you and simultaneously grateful that I had the opportunity to learn about how your relationship with your mother affected you. I really liked this part – "We all have ways of hiding who we really are. The places where we feel the most shame can rule us." For me, that's the physical place of my hometown. Do you ever feel like we carry physical places with us wherever we go?
I definitely take Seattle with me. That’s where my mom died, and it holds so much energy. I feel like I step back in time whenever I go there, which is why I can never live there again. I love your reflection. Thank you so much for reading and sharing.
Thank you for sharing. You’ve made me think so much that I’m not currently sure what my thoughts are, but I’m grateful for having them churn because of your words. I am sorry that you experienced this and that your mum experienced everything that led to it. ❤️
thank you so much, Jen.
This is stunning. Your writing always stays with me long after I’ve read. Thank you for letting us see you today. ❤️
Thank you so much for reading, Emily. It is a pleasure to be seen. <3
thank you for receiving. <3