I hate this for you. You deserve rest. Everyone deserves all the rest their bodies need and their souls desire. Special fuck yous to the uniquely glib hustle culture of privileged academia.
Grateful for that supportive special fuck you. Academia is so mind-blowingly toxic, I am amazed every day. The level at which we are expected to perform, the way we are treated, and what we are paid are all so out of alignment that it boggles my mind.
I hate how much the idea of hustle, of hierarchy, of criticism is a part of the life we're told to follow, to try and cobble together. I had chronic migraines all my life and they went away as soon as I stopped trying to cosplay at life in a 'professional' job. I so wish for you some grace and peace and rest and ability to continue to create as you do. Yours in solidarity. 💜
Thank you, Freya. I love so much that your migraines are gone, and their absence gives me hope for my own body and trajectory. If anything, I am learning what I don't want, which is something, you know?
We need more trusted voices to talk about life without the safety net. I say ‘trusted’ because we both know lived experience alone is not enough to confer trust. Even here in relatively benevolent Australia the Disability Support Pension is only 62% of a minimum wage job (if you can get it). Only those with no other viable option apply. And yet professionals of various stripes assure me I don’t have to worry, there are social supports.
We really do, Michelle. And your comment helps to remind me that I can write about it. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to complain, you know? Because I have more than I used to. But you're right. And any of us are vulnerable, but especially those of us without layers of support to catch us.
I know that feeling of not wanting to complain. I wonder who benefits from shutting down all such conversations? We have a saying Downunder that someone is ‘Crying poor’ with the assumption they are a cheapskate, that they have the funds and are choosing not to outlay them. Back in my uni days a famously socialist lecturer suggested I ask my parents to support my studies. When i said that wasn’t an option he asked if maybe my uncles could help? We began the convo when he asked why I was working part time rather than focussing on my studies, as he felt my grades were being impacted. He assured me I had a first class brain despite my second class grades. I told him I was fond of eating and wasn’t prepared to give it up. The convo ended with saying it was unfortunate and he was sad for me.
River, I don’t know how to reassure you with this because I feel so tired as well. So much hustle to be a creative on top of working to keep your insurance and pay your bills. The cost is heavy and we have made a deal with the universe that we would pay it. I am in the same boat with you. I feel exhausted and want to abandon ship and run far away and start afresh but can’t because I have no financial backups. I hope you float above all this bullshit hustle and get some time to rest. Stay strong, we are in this together! 💜
Aw Swarnali, you do not have to reassure me, my friend. We can both be tired together. I am sending you lots of love and hoping that we can both find some relief and rest, even if only in tiny moments. You're right, the cost is heavy, but I am willing to pay it.
You probably didn't mean to write something so beautiful (painfully so) and have it be nearly identical to my own story, but... I feel seen by this in ways I can barely explain. Couch surfing, the shelter of bridges and recessed doorways, stretching out to sleep in a hatchback... Even now, with all the security adulthood can afford, I am forever merely a step away from that insecurity. It haunts me. And there was (is) never space to fully break down. I hadn't considered it a privileged thing, but you're right, it is. Sometimes I see others speak of how they could not get out of bed for their chronic illness, and I think I cannot afford such an illness. I wouldn't survive. There's no option to stay down. It's always up.
Exactly this, Robin. When you have to get out of bed, you have to get out of bed. And I am truly happy for every person who is able to stay in bed when they need to stay in bed, but not all of us have that choice, right? And we deserve to be heard, too. Thank you for sharing your past experiences with me, too. Once you've had to do those things they never go away. It does help to know I'm not alone in having lived through that, and survived it, and being haunted by it.
I agree with what you say Robin and also I suggest that some people still can’t get out of bed even when they need to and their situation gets bad fast. But those people aren’t here to share their stories. They die of their illnesses or unalive themselves. Neither should happen.
I am sending so much hope for one moment of ease. The creative life...I appreciate you showing us the way, a way. I hope that does not add more pressure but some support in your corner.
It is a cruel, sickening joke (except I know it’s true) that you would lose your insurance if you took medical leave. The irony is just beyond the pale.
It really, really is. Like, I cannot take medical leave because I need medical care. It's absolutely f*cked in my opinion, but so is the U.S. healthcare system.
Oh my God, so familiar, I still have PTSD from my PhD. It about killed me; I’m telling you, good training makes all the difference and I did not have good training or supervision.
The worst is when your ability to finish a manuscript depends on some intellectual breakthroughs and everyone’s just like “oh, you’re figure it out” and you’re like “MAYBE NEVER. ACTUALLY NEVER” because breakthroughs aren’t guaranteed. You don’t just think harder and boom, they appear.
I couldn’t even afford to take maternity leave.
Hang in there, I’m not sure that it’s worth it but the end result of having *something* to show for your pain and penury seems better than nothing.
I am also not sure it's worth it (erring to "not worth it") but I am staying in because I do deserve something for all of this work. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's good to know I am not alone <3 But also, this needs fixing, somehow...
I lived in 225 sq ft for 4 years, with my child. That’s all I could afford! It’s all so brutal but in the end, I’m glad I have the PhD to show for it as opposed to nothing. You’re not alone in this experience AT ALL.
And on another note, the book named has given me so many examples of how the way we frame our situation, moment by moment by moment, opens each moment up to possibility -- or contrarily, closes it down. I'm noticing more about my thinking -- how I'm framing a moment -- and it's showing me that I'M possible. The author's main study is how we frame aging (I'm 80), but she also talks a lot about the courage and mindfulness it takes to re-frame a medical diagnosis, and that what we notice about our own bodies is a wealth of information that when added to our doctors' own medical background gives a more accurate picture of the matter at hand. So, please do not assume you lack a nuanced understanding of your body . . . Sounding preachy, I know, which is not the way to address someone in pain, but that re-framing stuff? Anyone following your posts knows that's your survival skill. Trust it.
Counterclockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility (2009), by Ellen J. Langer.
[Life under capitalism is not fair, as so many of your posts reveal in a visceral way.]
I hope you can find the rest you need and deserve. I do just want to share that I've never had hives until a week before I was due to take a flight to Atlanta for a work trip. This was the longest flight I'd taken, I would be meeting tens of people Id never met before, I don't like flying and being away from home regardless and then every night in the week running up to the flight I broke out in hives. Covering my hands, arms, stomach, legs and up my back... It was horrendous. They were stress hives. Stress hives! So I wanted to share that in case it's not something you'd considered or known about because I didn't and I thought of every other possible thing it could be (food, laundry detergent etc). It was my body's (nervous system) telling me I wasn't ok and I needed to listen to it in some way.
So I hope again you can find and take the time you need and that, that helps with the physical symptoms too, if it happens to be from that like mine was.
Hi Casper, thank you so much! My doctor thought they were stress hives at first, but they didn't go away (and it's going on two months, although Prednisone is helping). It's wild what our bodies can do when we're under stress!
Thank you for letting us hear your story, it resonated very much. The creative life.... wow, yes. My hope is that somewhere you can find a moment of space and that moment can lead to another and they all come together to create a soft pillow of extended relief for you. x
I'm so sorry you feel like this. I relate so much. I work for minimal wage and for heath insurance. I need so many pills to sleep that sometimes I spend more than half of my salary with my medication. Sometimes I think about leaving my job. I make fantasies about a life without this job. I think that maybe I would need less pills but I just couldn't afford any without that job. Kisses and hug for a friend in another side of the ocean ♥️
I hate this for you. You deserve rest. Everyone deserves all the rest their bodies need and their souls desire. Special fuck yous to the uniquely glib hustle culture of privileged academia.
Grateful for that supportive special fuck you. Academia is so mind-blowingly toxic, I am amazed every day. The level at which we are expected to perform, the way we are treated, and what we are paid are all so out of alignment that it boggles my mind.
I hate how much the idea of hustle, of hierarchy, of criticism is a part of the life we're told to follow, to try and cobble together. I had chronic migraines all my life and they went away as soon as I stopped trying to cosplay at life in a 'professional' job. I so wish for you some grace and peace and rest and ability to continue to create as you do. Yours in solidarity. 💜
Thank you, Freya. I love so much that your migraines are gone, and their absence gives me hope for my own body and trajectory. If anything, I am learning what I don't want, which is something, you know?
We need more trusted voices to talk about life without the safety net. I say ‘trusted’ because we both know lived experience alone is not enough to confer trust. Even here in relatively benevolent Australia the Disability Support Pension is only 62% of a minimum wage job (if you can get it). Only those with no other viable option apply. And yet professionals of various stripes assure me I don’t have to worry, there are social supports.
We really do, Michelle. And your comment helps to remind me that I can write about it. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to complain, you know? Because I have more than I used to. But you're right. And any of us are vulnerable, but especially those of us without layers of support to catch us.
I know that feeling of not wanting to complain. I wonder who benefits from shutting down all such conversations? We have a saying Downunder that someone is ‘Crying poor’ with the assumption they are a cheapskate, that they have the funds and are choosing not to outlay them. Back in my uni days a famously socialist lecturer suggested I ask my parents to support my studies. When i said that wasn’t an option he asked if maybe my uncles could help? We began the convo when he asked why I was working part time rather than focussing on my studies, as he felt my grades were being impacted. He assured me I had a first class brain despite my second class grades. I told him I was fond of eating and wasn’t prepared to give it up. The convo ended with saying it was unfortunate and he was sad for me.
River, I don’t know how to reassure you with this because I feel so tired as well. So much hustle to be a creative on top of working to keep your insurance and pay your bills. The cost is heavy and we have made a deal with the universe that we would pay it. I am in the same boat with you. I feel exhausted and want to abandon ship and run far away and start afresh but can’t because I have no financial backups. I hope you float above all this bullshit hustle and get some time to rest. Stay strong, we are in this together! 💜
Aw Swarnali, you do not have to reassure me, my friend. We can both be tired together. I am sending you lots of love and hoping that we can both find some relief and rest, even if only in tiny moments. You're right, the cost is heavy, but I am willing to pay it.
Lots of hugs River 🤗. Let’s look out for rainbows together in our respective storms 💜
You probably didn't mean to write something so beautiful (painfully so) and have it be nearly identical to my own story, but... I feel seen by this in ways I can barely explain. Couch surfing, the shelter of bridges and recessed doorways, stretching out to sleep in a hatchback... Even now, with all the security adulthood can afford, I am forever merely a step away from that insecurity. It haunts me. And there was (is) never space to fully break down. I hadn't considered it a privileged thing, but you're right, it is. Sometimes I see others speak of how they could not get out of bed for their chronic illness, and I think I cannot afford such an illness. I wouldn't survive. There's no option to stay down. It's always up.
Exactly this, Robin. When you have to get out of bed, you have to get out of bed. And I am truly happy for every person who is able to stay in bed when they need to stay in bed, but not all of us have that choice, right? And we deserve to be heard, too. Thank you for sharing your past experiences with me, too. Once you've had to do those things they never go away. It does help to know I'm not alone in having lived through that, and survived it, and being haunted by it.
I agree with what you say Robin and also I suggest that some people still can’t get out of bed even when they need to and their situation gets bad fast. But those people aren’t here to share their stories. They die of their illnesses or unalive themselves. Neither should happen.
You are very right, Michelle. Thank you for reminding us of that.
Dang. I'm sure you're right. That's heartbreaking.
I am sending so much hope for one moment of ease. The creative life...I appreciate you showing us the way, a way. I hope that does not add more pressure but some support in your corner.
Thank you so much, Bridget. This means so much to me <3
Appreciate every fucking word in here.
Thank you Seth <3
hey River, I've been thinking of you <3 this is grossly unfair and I hope things get better for you.
<3 Thank you Unmana <3
It is a cruel, sickening joke (except I know it’s true) that you would lose your insurance if you took medical leave. The irony is just beyond the pale.
It really, really is. Like, I cannot take medical leave because I need medical care. It's absolutely f*cked in my opinion, but so is the U.S. healthcare system.
Oh my God, so familiar, I still have PTSD from my PhD. It about killed me; I’m telling you, good training makes all the difference and I did not have good training or supervision.
The worst is when your ability to finish a manuscript depends on some intellectual breakthroughs and everyone’s just like “oh, you’re figure it out” and you’re like “MAYBE NEVER. ACTUALLY NEVER” because breakthroughs aren’t guaranteed. You don’t just think harder and boom, they appear.
I couldn’t even afford to take maternity leave.
Hang in there, I’m not sure that it’s worth it but the end result of having *something* to show for your pain and penury seems better than nothing.
I am also not sure it's worth it (erring to "not worth it") but I am staying in because I do deserve something for all of this work. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's good to know I am not alone <3 But also, this needs fixing, somehow...
I lived in 225 sq ft for 4 years, with my child. That’s all I could afford! It’s all so brutal but in the end, I’m glad I have the PhD to show for it as opposed to nothing. You’re not alone in this experience AT ALL.
"Right now, it's like this."
-- Ajahn Sumedho
And on another note, the book named has given me so many examples of how the way we frame our situation, moment by moment by moment, opens each moment up to possibility -- or contrarily, closes it down. I'm noticing more about my thinking -- how I'm framing a moment -- and it's showing me that I'M possible. The author's main study is how we frame aging (I'm 80), but she also talks a lot about the courage and mindfulness it takes to re-frame a medical diagnosis, and that what we notice about our own bodies is a wealth of information that when added to our doctors' own medical background gives a more accurate picture of the matter at hand. So, please do not assume you lack a nuanced understanding of your body . . . Sounding preachy, I know, which is not the way to address someone in pain, but that re-framing stuff? Anyone following your posts knows that's your survival skill. Trust it.
Counterclockwise: Mindful Health and the Power of Possibility (2009), by Ellen J. Langer.
[Life under capitalism is not fair, as so many of your posts reveal in a visceral way.]
I see the kindness and wisdom in your words, Diana, and I appreciate you, and them. <3 Thank you.
The ending of this one really leveled me, River. A breakdown you deserve, indeed. ❤️
Thank you Dia <3
I hope you can find the rest you need and deserve. I do just want to share that I've never had hives until a week before I was due to take a flight to Atlanta for a work trip. This was the longest flight I'd taken, I would be meeting tens of people Id never met before, I don't like flying and being away from home regardless and then every night in the week running up to the flight I broke out in hives. Covering my hands, arms, stomach, legs and up my back... It was horrendous. They were stress hives. Stress hives! So I wanted to share that in case it's not something you'd considered or known about because I didn't and I thought of every other possible thing it could be (food, laundry detergent etc). It was my body's (nervous system) telling me I wasn't ok and I needed to listen to it in some way.
So I hope again you can find and take the time you need and that, that helps with the physical symptoms too, if it happens to be from that like mine was.
Hi Casper, thank you so much! My doctor thought they were stress hives at first, but they didn't go away (and it's going on two months, although Prednisone is helping). It's wild what our bodies can do when we're under stress!
Really wild! I'm glad the Prednisone is helping and hope they fully go soon!
Has anyone mentioned Mast Cell activation, River?
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
<3
Thank you for letting us hear your story, it resonated very much. The creative life.... wow, yes. My hope is that somewhere you can find a moment of space and that moment can lead to another and they all come together to create a soft pillow of extended relief for you. x
Thank you Kerry <3. I love this vision, and I want it for all of us.
A resounding nod from me and a salute from my creative trenches to yours xx
I'm so sorry you feel like this. I relate so much. I work for minimal wage and for heath insurance. I need so many pills to sleep that sometimes I spend more than half of my salary with my medication. Sometimes I think about leaving my job. I make fantasies about a life without this job. I think that maybe I would need less pills but I just couldn't afford any without that job. Kisses and hug for a friend in another side of the ocean ♥️
Thank you Mariana, for sharing. I want something better for all of us. We deserve better.