"I think it’s important to acknowledge that everything I have harmed myself with also saved my life, until I didn’t need it anymore." I love that line. It reminds me of another quote "Pain pushes until vision pulls."
i love that. It has taken me so so long to embrace my disorganized coping mechanisms instead of trying to run from them- knowing they did save my life. Being grateful and letting go. Thank you so much for reading and sharing.
Apologies for those among us who are still seeing with old eyes and speaking with old language. It's not you; it's a terrible learning-curve made worse by people who refuse to learn. It's hard to be at the head of the pack, forging new ground. Please remember that. Those who don't learn will be left behind. xo
This whole post is extremely relatable to my nonbinary self who often gets read as a woman. I especially appreciated that you said, "I always come to this place: my gender is not about how others perceive me."
Most of the time when I talk about my gender dysphoria, the response I get is, "well, does that just happen when you are in a certain situation, like someone has just misgendered you?" But that's not it for me. I feel dysphoria sometimes because of the way I _am_, not because someone behaved a certain way towards me. I know that can be different for other folks.
On the flip side, I am quite confident in my gender identity and people saying things to and about me isn't going to change that. :)
Thank you so much for this reflection, Rey. I have never really felt confident in anything relating to my identity, but I agree that nothing anyone says to me will change my being nonbinary. I do feel that in my bones. Your words make me think of Judith Butler’s ideas about how gender can be a conscious or unconscious performance but also how gender performs us. This is where I feel most of my dysphoria- when I feel that kind of innate performance that feels totally out of line with who I am, but it’s like this organic response to certain situations.
I need to write about this more- I think I’ve felt like I am too femme to be “out” as a nonbinary person bc I feel a lot of privilege in passing as a woman (a white woman no less). It affords me a lot of safety many ppl don’t have. But I’ve been thinking that writing honestly about my experiences can also create space for others. Thank you for reading and relating and sharing.
Thanks very much for your response — a lot to think about — I appreciate you.
I keep thinking about this performance aspect of gender you mentioned. It feels both obvious and like something I do and also triggers the buzzy feelings for me where I can't examine that part of myself directly. Perhaps that's the unconscious performance not my real gender, learned from society. I like Judith Butler's ideas about gender. It's especially interesting to consider how gender performs us.
It changed my life when I met a nonbinary friend with long hair and a body shape vaguely similar to mine who used they/them pronouns and decided they were going to use they/them pronouns for me. This friend demonstrated that I didn't have to look like some stereotypical guy to be transmasculine. It took about five years after that for me to really feel comfortable calling myself trans.
I definitely take advantage of the privilege of passing as a woman — I was in Florida for two months earlier this year and felt relatively safe. I did see and meet other trans people there.
Expressing gender is so personal and so challenging that I really find it affirming and reassuring to hear others similar thoughts. Thank you.
"I think it’s important to acknowledge that everything I have harmed myself with also saved my life, until I didn’t need it anymore." I love that line. It reminds me of another quote "Pain pushes until vision pulls."
i love that. It has taken me so so long to embrace my disorganized coping mechanisms instead of trying to run from them- knowing they did save my life. Being grateful and letting go. Thank you so much for reading and sharing.
Apologies for those among us who are still seeing with old eyes and speaking with old language. It's not you; it's a terrible learning-curve made worse by people who refuse to learn. It's hard to be at the head of the pack, forging new ground. Please remember that. Those who don't learn will be left behind. xo
Thank you, Sandra. ❤️
This whole post is extremely relatable to my nonbinary self who often gets read as a woman. I especially appreciated that you said, "I always come to this place: my gender is not about how others perceive me."
Most of the time when I talk about my gender dysphoria, the response I get is, "well, does that just happen when you are in a certain situation, like someone has just misgendered you?" But that's not it for me. I feel dysphoria sometimes because of the way I _am_, not because someone behaved a certain way towards me. I know that can be different for other folks.
On the flip side, I am quite confident in my gender identity and people saying things to and about me isn't going to change that. :)
Thanks so much for your insightful essay.
Thank you so much for this reflection, Rey. I have never really felt confident in anything relating to my identity, but I agree that nothing anyone says to me will change my being nonbinary. I do feel that in my bones. Your words make me think of Judith Butler’s ideas about how gender can be a conscious or unconscious performance but also how gender performs us. This is where I feel most of my dysphoria- when I feel that kind of innate performance that feels totally out of line with who I am, but it’s like this organic response to certain situations.
I need to write about this more- I think I’ve felt like I am too femme to be “out” as a nonbinary person bc I feel a lot of privilege in passing as a woman (a white woman no less). It affords me a lot of safety many ppl don’t have. But I’ve been thinking that writing honestly about my experiences can also create space for others. Thank you for reading and relating and sharing.
Thanks very much for your response — a lot to think about — I appreciate you.
I keep thinking about this performance aspect of gender you mentioned. It feels both obvious and like something I do and also triggers the buzzy feelings for me where I can't examine that part of myself directly. Perhaps that's the unconscious performance not my real gender, learned from society. I like Judith Butler's ideas about gender. It's especially interesting to consider how gender performs us.
It changed my life when I met a nonbinary friend with long hair and a body shape vaguely similar to mine who used they/them pronouns and decided they were going to use they/them pronouns for me. This friend demonstrated that I didn't have to look like some stereotypical guy to be transmasculine. It took about five years after that for me to really feel comfortable calling myself trans.
I definitely take advantage of the privilege of passing as a woman — I was in Florida for two months earlier this year and felt relatively safe. I did see and meet other trans people there.
Expressing gender is so personal and so challenging that I really find it affirming and reassuring to hear others similar thoughts. Thank you.