Thank you for writing this and putting such a depth and shape around what the holidays mean to you. Our holidays were always predictably “egg shelly,” never really joyful and carefree but they also never descended into violence. It was just the ongoing sense that everything could explode at any moment that made them miserable. My heart really ached reading some of the things that your mother said and created around you.
As for the holidays, I went the opposite direction as many people with conflicting experiences: I charged unapologetically into overdrive. All the holiday things my little heart had dreamed of. I spent Thanksgiving with some cousins in Brooklyn, shlepped to the Macys Thanksgiving Day parade and had an “eye contact moment” with Santa and felt some sort of childlike belief was planted inside me. I can’t shake my enthusiasm for the music, the soft light, the evergreen. The efforting is catching up with me these days and my tree this year is wrapped in lights but otherwise undecorated. It is a new closeness with trees that I’m savoring, as it’s my first christmas in five years that I won’t be tucked on the side of our mountain.
All this to say, The Family Stone was a breakthrough visionary sort of movie to me in my college days. The dysfunction you described is accurate but to me it felt like a family that’s alive enough to engage, care and get a little messy together. I was enraptured by the mother. She felt like an archetype I wanted to be wrapped in like a soft blanket. I wanted to become a mother whose children brought themselves to her, a mother who defended them (the dinner scene where Meredith talks about not wanting her to children to be “challenged”).
Oof. Thank you for the time you poured into this piece. I really do honor that. 🙏🏼
Amanda- yes. I was and am obsessed with the mom in Family Stone. Her love for her kids is so, so fierce. I think that's why it's one of my favorites.
This year I put lights on my little cottage and have a mini xmas tree. I love lights in winter. They make me really happy and help me tap into symbology that can be comforting and not sad. I had a Thanksgiving in Brooklyn years ago with one of my mom's friends and it was magical- I love NYC during the holidays. It's terrible and magical all wrapped up together for me, which is good. And Real.
A beautiful and moving post. I found it a pretty heart-wrenching read!
I don't have a favourite Christmas film. I'm not a great Christmas fan. But last year, in England, facing my first Christmas without my mother, who'd died 6 weeks before, I found myself watching Die Hard. I don't know why. I guess it was a reminder of times past (though not with my mother, who'd have hated all the swearing), a tiny glimpse of Christmas nostalgia without too much tinsel.
Jeffrey, Sending lots of warmth. Die Hard is, I think, a great holiday movie that's not a holiday movie. It's fun, and I've always been a Bruce Willis fan. I say that we should do whatever we can to find some joy, especially when you're navigating another holiday season without your mom. I hope this one is a little bit easier, but it's also okay if it sucks, because sometimes it just has to be hard, right? And there's no getting away from that, except in knowing that it won't last forever.
I am so glad it helped, Robin. And I wish we could all have the parents we deserve, and that they could have had the parents they deserved, and so on...
I'm glad you wrote that you spent seven hours on this post, because if I thought someone could create such a beautiful piece of writing about such a sensitive subject in significantly less time, my envy might have interfered with my absorption and appreciation of your post.
I'm due for a re-watch of RGM. I haven't seen it for a decade.
I'm obsessed with Darlene Love's Christmas, Baby Please Come Home.
I just saw her perform it live a week ago, and her voice was as s strong as ever at age 82.
Thank you so much, Sandra. That means the world to me. Maybe I can't watch those sweet traditional holiday films because they hurt too much. Even a snippet of Judy Garland's Merry Little Christmas and I'll start crying.
Sending warmth your way. I'm grateful to be seen by you, and to see you. <3
I’ve never had a Christmas movie tradition and mostly don’t like them. I don’t like Christmas either, but that’s unrelated. I promised my kid I’d watch the last Hunger Games with them, though, so that’s coming up!
That's so sweet! I am also just not into Christmas as a holiday, especially in the United States, where so much of it is about consumerism. I do love the decorations and lights, but less and less as I think about the climate, and how ridiculous it is that we are tied to these power-sucking decorations when the earth is warming so quickly. I could go on, but I'll stop. I hope The Hunger Games installment is enjoyable!
My mom always made Christmas horribly stressful, so combined with all the consumerism it’s just not my favorite! I associate it with intense stress and constant walking on eggshells.
Weirdly, I think my first-ever Christmas movie might be Don’t Look Up, since it came out around then and I’ve watched it 13 times. I love the scene at the end where they’re all having a meal together. 🍽️😀🫶🏻
HAhaha that film is a good one! I should rewatch it.
I can def relate to your reasoning behind not liking Christmas. I think that's why I treat it like any other day, except quieter (which is harder to do when you have children). I don't buy gifts for others and don't expect gifts. As you probably can tell, I also spent many Christmases stressed and walking on eggshells. My mom hated Christmas as well, because she grew up poor and we were poor and she had no money for gifts. A cycle that we can break in our own ways, I think. <3
So so so hauntingly beautiful, Anastasia. I loved every second. Also, my bestie always recommends The Family Stone!! She sent a selfie of her bawling to it the other night, which is a selling point for me 😂 love a good cry. Sending lots of love and rest to you this holiday season!
A beautiful essay Anastasia - or do you prefer Ana? You write with heartbreaking restraint. I like to watch Desk Set, which is a rom-com written by Nora Ephron’s parents and starring Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Also early computers & media circa 1957. Its Christmas link is a Christmas party scene. It hasn’t aged too badly. I also like the local film Ladies in Black (again only a couple of token Christmas scenes) about a young girl’s summer job working in a Sydney department store. Nostalgia but the feel good is delicately undercut by some of the implied commentary. Heart warming & hopeful. Finally, I love Babette’s Feast a Danish film I saw at midnight on Christmas Eve and like to watch when I can. It isn’t streaming locally & I don’t have the DVD (or a player) anymore. Sigh. About a refugee maid in a remote village who might once have been the most famous chef in Paris before fleeing the 1870 Commune. A film about love and food and kindness in the wintertime.
Michelle, thank you for the kind words. Ana or Anastasia is fine with me, though I am leaning more towards Ana lately. I love all of these recommendations because I haven't heard of most of them! That's always a treat for me. I'll find Ladies in Black. Babette's Feast is a wonderful film. I wonder if it's on the Criterion Channel. If so, I may watch it again, because it's been a long time and I'm sure it would be a pleasure.
Thank you Ana for sharing this with us. I felt so many knots in my stomach and throat reading through this essay.
We don’t have a Christmas movie tradition. But I used to watch documentaries from Jerusalem or other broadcasts as a child. The first time I actually caught up watching Christmas movie was when the pandemic hit, with nowhere else to go, movie seemed like the best option. I watched ‘Klaus’ in 2020, ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ in 2021, ‘howl’s moving castle’ in 2022 and this time I am planning to watch ‘The velveteen rabbit’
Howl's Moving Castle is one of my favorite films!! Have you watched Spirited Away? Also one of my favorites. Beware, the Velveteen Rabbit might make you cry, but you've probably already read the book, so you know that. It's one of my favorite enduring stories and I feel it's often misunderstood.
Yes of course I have watched spirited away and every other Studio Ghibli movie because I am a huge Hayao Miyazaki fan! Have you seen Only Yesterday? That’s one other of my favourite movies of all times.
I have lost the count of the many times I cried while reading the velveteen rabbit, but I discovered the story as an adult and it really hit differently on all levels. In my observation it is a story about manifesting our authentic selves and stop seeking validation for all that we believe in. No matter who we are and what our stories have been, if we could ignite a light of compassion and act selflessly in most dire circumstances, we will live a highly rewarding life. What do you think it is about? Everyone I know who love this story has a different interpretation of it! That’s why I am waiting to watch it this Christmas 💜
I always watch “Hook.” I was allowed to stay up late one night when I was five or six in the early nineties, and that magic stuck with me. I have also spent many holidays alone and will sit here and chant “Rufeo” at my laptop screen.
I feel so much, reading this post and knowing it’s your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Also, I’m so glad to find the three film reviews here! I remember telling you I loved all three and looking forward to reading the post if you wrote it. Yay! You had me right back inside POA and RGM, and now I feel the need to re-enter both of them immediately. I’m noticing how both of them served as the family scapegoat or black sheep. Which then made me wonder who would be considered the scapegoat of TFS? Is there one?
Thank you for what you wrote here. I feel my heart and mind quieten when I’m reading your words.
Hi!! There are a bunch of subscribe buttons in the post! Unfortunately they don't allow people to become paying subscribers through the app. Either way- I am glad you're here and lmk how I can help.
Thank you for writing this and putting such a depth and shape around what the holidays mean to you. Our holidays were always predictably “egg shelly,” never really joyful and carefree but they also never descended into violence. It was just the ongoing sense that everything could explode at any moment that made them miserable. My heart really ached reading some of the things that your mother said and created around you.
As for the holidays, I went the opposite direction as many people with conflicting experiences: I charged unapologetically into overdrive. All the holiday things my little heart had dreamed of. I spent Thanksgiving with some cousins in Brooklyn, shlepped to the Macys Thanksgiving Day parade and had an “eye contact moment” with Santa and felt some sort of childlike belief was planted inside me. I can’t shake my enthusiasm for the music, the soft light, the evergreen. The efforting is catching up with me these days and my tree this year is wrapped in lights but otherwise undecorated. It is a new closeness with trees that I’m savoring, as it’s my first christmas in five years that I won’t be tucked on the side of our mountain.
All this to say, The Family Stone was a breakthrough visionary sort of movie to me in my college days. The dysfunction you described is accurate but to me it felt like a family that’s alive enough to engage, care and get a little messy together. I was enraptured by the mother. She felt like an archetype I wanted to be wrapped in like a soft blanket. I wanted to become a mother whose children brought themselves to her, a mother who defended them (the dinner scene where Meredith talks about not wanting her to children to be “challenged”).
Oof. Thank you for the time you poured into this piece. I really do honor that. 🙏🏼
Amanda- yes. I was and am obsessed with the mom in Family Stone. Her love for her kids is so, so fierce. I think that's why it's one of my favorites.
This year I put lights on my little cottage and have a mini xmas tree. I love lights in winter. They make me really happy and help me tap into symbology that can be comforting and not sad. I had a Thanksgiving in Brooklyn years ago with one of my mom's friends and it was magical- I love NYC during the holidays. It's terrible and magical all wrapped up together for me, which is good. And Real.
A beautiful and moving post. I found it a pretty heart-wrenching read!
I don't have a favourite Christmas film. I'm not a great Christmas fan. But last year, in England, facing my first Christmas without my mother, who'd died 6 weeks before, I found myself watching Die Hard. I don't know why. I guess it was a reminder of times past (though not with my mother, who'd have hated all the swearing), a tiny glimpse of Christmas nostalgia without too much tinsel.
Jeffrey, Sending lots of warmth. Die Hard is, I think, a great holiday movie that's not a holiday movie. It's fun, and I've always been a Bruce Willis fan. I say that we should do whatever we can to find some joy, especially when you're navigating another holiday season without your mom. I hope this one is a little bit easier, but it's also okay if it sucks, because sometimes it just has to be hard, right? And there's no getting away from that, except in knowing that it won't last forever.
I genuinely appreciate you sharing this. I needed it right now. My own mother is a mini series, and holidays can be rough because of it. So... thanks.
I am so glad it helped, Robin. And I wish we could all have the parents we deserve, and that they could have had the parents they deserved, and so on...
Ana,
I'm glad you wrote that you spent seven hours on this post, because if I thought someone could create such a beautiful piece of writing about such a sensitive subject in significantly less time, my envy might have interfered with my absorption and appreciation of your post.
I'm due for a re-watch of RGM. I haven't seen it for a decade.
I'm obsessed with Darlene Love's Christmas, Baby Please Come Home.
I just saw her perform it live a week ago, and her voice was as s strong as ever at age 82.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XH1h_A0vJD8
I’m with you about the 7 hours it took Ana to write, and yes sometimes envy for the skill of speed gets in the way for me too.
Thank you David. 🩵 I am going to watch this soon, and can't wait!
Well damn, this just flayed my entire pericardium and now my chest aches and I can hardly breathe…..anyone have some colchicine?
“Moms”; a four letter word like no other.
No holiday movies for me; I still sob during the isle of misfit toys scene in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer 💔
I’m thankful that you have managed to survive all that you’ve gone through. You are the phoenix from the ashes and your writing is transcendent.
Thank you so much, Sandra. That means the world to me. Maybe I can't watch those sweet traditional holiday films because they hurt too much. Even a snippet of Judy Garland's Merry Little Christmas and I'll start crying.
Sending warmth your way. I'm grateful to be seen by you, and to see you. <3
Beautifully told. 🫶🏻
I’ve never had a Christmas movie tradition and mostly don’t like them. I don’t like Christmas either, but that’s unrelated. I promised my kid I’d watch the last Hunger Games with them, though, so that’s coming up!
That's so sweet! I am also just not into Christmas as a holiday, especially in the United States, where so much of it is about consumerism. I do love the decorations and lights, but less and less as I think about the climate, and how ridiculous it is that we are tied to these power-sucking decorations when the earth is warming so quickly. I could go on, but I'll stop. I hope The Hunger Games installment is enjoyable!
My mom always made Christmas horribly stressful, so combined with all the consumerism it’s just not my favorite! I associate it with intense stress and constant walking on eggshells.
Weirdly, I think my first-ever Christmas movie might be Don’t Look Up, since it came out around then and I’ve watched it 13 times. I love the scene at the end where they’re all having a meal together. 🍽️😀🫶🏻
HAhaha that film is a good one! I should rewatch it.
I can def relate to your reasoning behind not liking Christmas. I think that's why I treat it like any other day, except quieter (which is harder to do when you have children). I don't buy gifts for others and don't expect gifts. As you probably can tell, I also spent many Christmases stressed and walking on eggshells. My mom hated Christmas as well, because she grew up poor and we were poor and she had no money for gifts. A cycle that we can break in our own ways, I think. <3
Grateful for everyone getting out and talking about these things! 💖
So so so hauntingly beautiful, Anastasia. I loved every second. Also, my bestie always recommends The Family Stone!! She sent a selfie of her bawling to it the other night, which is a selling point for me 😂 love a good cry. Sending lots of love and rest to you this holiday season!
Thank you so much, Dia. I think you'd love The Family Stone. 🩵
A beautiful essay Anastasia - or do you prefer Ana? You write with heartbreaking restraint. I like to watch Desk Set, which is a rom-com written by Nora Ephron’s parents and starring Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Also early computers & media circa 1957. Its Christmas link is a Christmas party scene. It hasn’t aged too badly. I also like the local film Ladies in Black (again only a couple of token Christmas scenes) about a young girl’s summer job working in a Sydney department store. Nostalgia but the feel good is delicately undercut by some of the implied commentary. Heart warming & hopeful. Finally, I love Babette’s Feast a Danish film I saw at midnight on Christmas Eve and like to watch when I can. It isn’t streaming locally & I don’t have the DVD (or a player) anymore. Sigh. About a refugee maid in a remote village who might once have been the most famous chef in Paris before fleeing the 1870 Commune. A film about love and food and kindness in the wintertime.
Michelle, thank you for the kind words. Ana or Anastasia is fine with me, though I am leaning more towards Ana lately. I love all of these recommendations because I haven't heard of most of them! That's always a treat for me. I'll find Ladies in Black. Babette's Feast is a wonderful film. I wonder if it's on the Criterion Channel. If so, I may watch it again, because it's been a long time and I'm sure it would be a pleasure.
Thank you Ana for sharing this with us. I felt so many knots in my stomach and throat reading through this essay.
We don’t have a Christmas movie tradition. But I used to watch documentaries from Jerusalem or other broadcasts as a child. The first time I actually caught up watching Christmas movie was when the pandemic hit, with nowhere else to go, movie seemed like the best option. I watched ‘Klaus’ in 2020, ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ in 2021, ‘howl’s moving castle’ in 2022 and this time I am planning to watch ‘The velveteen rabbit’
Thank you, Swarnali <3.
Howl's Moving Castle is one of my favorite films!! Have you watched Spirited Away? Also one of my favorites. Beware, the Velveteen Rabbit might make you cry, but you've probably already read the book, so you know that. It's one of my favorite enduring stories and I feel it's often misunderstood.
Yes of course I have watched spirited away and every other Studio Ghibli movie because I am a huge Hayao Miyazaki fan! Have you seen Only Yesterday? That’s one other of my favourite movies of all times.
I have lost the count of the many times I cried while reading the velveteen rabbit, but I discovered the story as an adult and it really hit differently on all levels. In my observation it is a story about manifesting our authentic selves and stop seeking validation for all that we believe in. No matter who we are and what our stories have been, if we could ignite a light of compassion and act selflessly in most dire circumstances, we will live a highly rewarding life. What do you think it is about? Everyone I know who love this story has a different interpretation of it! That’s why I am waiting to watch it this Christmas 💜
I always watch “Hook.” I was allowed to stay up late one night when I was five or six in the early nineties, and that magic stuck with me. I have also spent many holidays alone and will sit here and chant “Rufeo” at my laptop screen.
Aw, Hook!! I loved that movie when I was younger. I am going to watch it again.
I feel so much, reading this post and knowing it’s your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Also, I’m so glad to find the three film reviews here! I remember telling you I loved all three and looking forward to reading the post if you wrote it. Yay! You had me right back inside POA and RGM, and now I feel the need to re-enter both of them immediately. I’m noticing how both of them served as the family scapegoat or black sheep. Which then made me wonder who would be considered the scapegoat of TFS? Is there one?
Thank you for what you wrote here. I feel my heart and mind quieten when I’m reading your words.
Hi!! There are a bunch of subscribe buttons in the post! Unfortunately they don't allow people to become paying subscribers through the app. Either way- I am glad you're here and lmk how I can help.