How to Survive the Holidays

Part One

How to Survive the Holidays

(Part One)

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Ah, the holidays. That time of year when everyone feels an immense amount of pressure to buy the perfect gift for everyone, look their best for work parties, portray their *magical* holiday times perfectly on social media, blah blah blah…

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

I heard my first holiday song this year in October, while shopping at Target. It was Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas. I remember thinking: here it comes. Then, amazingly, I felt a real sense of peace. I am not buying anyone gifts this year and both my parents are dead. Whoa, the last part of that sentence came on a little strong, but it’s true, they’re dead. They’ve been dead for a while now— my dad, who I barely knew, died of leukemia two years after my mom died by suicide in May 2010. It’s taken me a long, long time to get to this space of peace with the holidays. I’ll be writing about that in the next part of this series; how I got here to this peaceful place, and what I’ve learned after spending twelve Christmases with other people’s families or alone. That’s for those of you who may be spending the holidays alone.

Last Thanksgiving I did have a wonderful time with my actual family— my cousin and her husband and sweet son, and my aunt and uncle who I hadn’t seen for many years. It was really nice, and I remembered that cocoon feeling of family-time I’d forgotten for so long. Actually, I’m not sure I ever experienced a holiday like that with my mom and stepdad. Our holidays often involved too much alcohol, bitterness, barbed comments about my body or life choices. And after my mom left him our holidays stacked upon one another, one horrific story after the next. I don’t use the word horrific hyperbolically.

Which brings me to the point of this first part of the series. This is a handy dandy little tool kit I’ve made for you if you’re dealing with relatives who are self-centered, narcissistic, immature, judgmental, body-shaming, life-choice shaming, mean, rude, manipulative…you get it. This is for you.

Things to Remember When Your Mother (or anyone) Tells You You’ve Gained Weight (or lost weight, or comments on your appearance at all)

1. Remember that your mother is locked inside of her worldview, which likely ranks people on a superficial hierarchy of rigid standards of acceptable and non-acceptable appearances and presentations of self. She rigidly polices and judges herself and others. Her comments are a manifestation of her worldview. They may be protective, meaning that she comments on your appearance or behavior in order to usher you into the “right” way of existing, so she knows you’ll be accepted and loved based on how she perceives love and acceptance. Or, they may be intentionally harmful, meaning that she may feel threatened by the ways in which you cavalierly defy these rules and (gasp) still seem to be doing okay.

2. Remember that your mother once had power over you. She once kept you safe, or didn’t. Maybe she was the source of you being or feeling unsafe. Remember that she no longer has power over you unless you give it to her. Nothing she says or does is truly a reflection of your inherent value or worth. It’s simply a reflection of her worldview, her belief system, and maybe her insecurities.

3. Remember that you can say: “Please don’t comment on my appearance.” You can say thins with a smile, or not. You can say it casually while passing the mashed potatoes, or privately. You can say this, and if she doesn’t respect your request, you can leave, or you can stay. You get to decide.

4. Remember that your mother’s reactions to your clearly stated boundaries are not your responsibility, and you can’t control them. Remember that if you soften the boundary in order to appease her, you will probably feel terrible about yourself. Remember that you don’t have to state the boundary out loud if you don’t want to. You can just smile and fucking get the day over with.

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Things to Ask Yourself If You Are Hesitant About Going Home for the Holidays

1. Do I really want to do this?

2. How will it feel to be with my family for (amount of time)?

3. Does doing this threaten my sobriety/recovery/mental health?

4. Do I feel safe around my family?

5. What are the alternatives?

6. If I decide not to go home, are the repercussions really worse than the reward?

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Things to Ask Yourself Before Going Home for the Holidays

1. What tools do I need to have in place to keep myself safe and healthy?

2. What boundary phrases do I need in my back pocket?

3. What routines will help me keep a clear heart and mind?

4. How can I be compassionate with myself and my family?

5. Which allies do I need to reach out to for help?

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Photo by Taylor Sondgeroth on Unsplash

Things to Remember if Your Hometown is Triggering

1. I am not the same person I was when I lived here.

2. The people who hurt me back then can’t hurt me now.

3. Since then, I have (make a list of accomplishments— not necessarily a superficial one, but maybe one listing the emotional and psychological growth you’ve had, and the tools you have now that you didn’t have then).

4. I don’t have to see people if I don’t want to see them.

5. My worth as a person has nothing to do with the amount of money I have or what I own.

6. My worth as a person has everything to do with (insert your value system).

How to sense into yourself when you’re overwhelmed

If you’re home or at any holiday celebration, stay tuned-in to your body. This often means not drinking much, and staying present. Notice how you feels as you speak to and engage with people. WhWhat interactions feel secure and solid? Do you feel less grounded or more insecure around certain people and/or things? Notice, without judging how you’re feeling. Feel into your self. Notice how your literal heartspace feels, in the center of your chest.

If you notice yourself getting insecure or anxious, sense into the bottoms of your feet. Curl your toes into your shoes. Remember that you’re a physical being in a physical place, and that who you are is okay.

Everything is an opportunity for learning and feeling

Everything is an opportunity for self-love and compassion.

Every moment is an opportunity to forgive.

Every person is living in a self-made world, and their rules don’t have to be your rules.

You are a human being with agency. You get to decide where you are, who you engage with, and what you want to be doing at any given moment. No one else gets to make that decision (except, of course, your kids). It’s easy to forget these simple things— that we often give up our agency to others, for many reasons. Remember, you’re responsible for yourself, and you have control over that, but not over other people.

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I hope this helps. If you have a wonderful family and love seeing them for the holidays….well, yes, I know you exist but I have nothing for you! Congratulations and (I say this truly with no bitterness) enjoy your wonderful family. May your babies have many babies and spread your family systems throughout the world (through actual birth or fostering or whatever means possible)! May all the holiday orphans benefit from the warmth of your household!

Tell me in the comments:

What are you feeling as we get closer to the holidays?

What are you excited about or looking forward to?

What are you anxious about?

What new ideas and knowledge are you bringing into this season?