26 Comments

So fantastic. Heartbreaking, but fantastic. Between the pressures of a PhD, grief, an autoimmune disorder, and the general demands of life, you have a shit ton on your plate—all requiring impossible, simultaneous attention. I hope life starts to smooth out a little for you, love. We get so used to chaos that we don’t think we deserve stability

Expand full comment

Thank you so much, Dia. Me friggin too. I am ready for less chaos.

Expand full comment

I love your writing *because* you don’t put the performative positive face on your experiences. I think it’s so incredibly difficult to write authentically and not get sucked into the performance of things, especially when publication/readership is instantaneous! It’s a real mind fuck.

Also -- big apologies in advance for unsolicited advice which is annoying af but -- this has helped me tremendously and if there is any possibility this can help you too, i don’t want to sit on it: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0vgX1hkCuWotCbbP97MgJW?si=kDsVKR3KTvesI6b7H9BfhQ

Expand full comment

Here’s her website, in case you aren’t a spotify or podcast person: https://www.thecureforchronicpain.com

(I know the name sounds crazy and culty!)

Expand full comment

Thank you for all of this! And I am going to check out the podcast. I appreciate your awareness about unsolicited advice, but if it's helped you and could help me then I will certainly accept it with open arms.

I'm grateful to have so many ppl who love my work for what it is. That means more than any fast growth made through marketing ever could. It's the quality of connection that does it for me, truly. Thank you for being here. 🌱

Expand full comment

Please know that as a reader of your fabulous newsletter, more than anything else I wish for you to be yourself in whatever form on “paper” that is......and I hope you have a cozy warm blanket to wrap up in, to sleep, and to heal 💛

Expand full comment

Thank you, Sandra. That means so much. <3

Expand full comment

I know what you mean about being incapable of creating things for an audience. I can’t do that either. I create what I want to create because I feel it or nothing at all. I think that’s ok and that maybe that means you’re making something more meaningful than all that cellophane wrapped “positivity.” I hope you feel better soon!

Expand full comment

Thank you Natalie. I have to reorient myself sometimes because there is so much pressure to aim things towards marketing. But it is never for me and will never be for me, and I agree, it's more than ok. Thank you for reminding me. 🩵

Expand full comment

Ana I hope you are taking care of yourself. We all feel lost, stuck, and out of sorts in our own ways. God knows I wanted to quit my job and write full time since last two years but I am the sole care taker of my aging parents and I can’t bring myself financial duress when the money is necessary.

Hold on till your time comes to snatch that first opportunity of freedom! It shall come. But meanwhile please take care of yourself and take enough rest. Turmeric and ginger are very good anti-inflammatory agents, may I suggest a recipe of turmeric chai ? Maybe you can adapt the recipe as per your taste. Hope this makes you feel better soon.

https://youtube.com/shorts/a55H0KTRVVo?si=KuMzyD2ddQTNPeYR

Expand full comment

Also, I am sending you so much love. You are holding so much right now, and still able to give so much. It's remarkable. I wish we could share a cup of chai together in person, but this way will have to do for now. <3

Expand full comment

Much love and healing to you too dear Ana. One day we shall watch the birds with our cats and have turmeric chai together. 💜🤗

Expand full comment

Thank you Swarnali. I do take turmeric! But making myself a chai is a good idea. ❤️

Expand full comment

"Why do I feel like I need to write certain things to make other people happy?" That really resonated because in my own life self-destructive behavior has so much to do with other people's happiness. There's nothing wrong with making others happy if it does not harm you, I guess. But there's a correlation between the two that I think about at times.

I have no answers for you regarding perimenopause, although most of my symptoms went away with an IUD and some extra estrogen(again, a solution for my specific situation). The chronic pain I struggle with constantly even though I am vigilant and strong and healthy, and have tried almost everything (working on uncharted territories now).

Expand full comment

Thank you so much Camila, for this reflection.

Expand full comment

I have been reading your work here since sometime in December, and I appreciate your authenticity. I've got some experience with a body that forces me to stop when I'm overloaded (migraine and other chronic pain). There's so much to say about that and intersections with creative work and mid-life and trauma and having to make a living. I'm finally (at 59) figuring out answers that work for me. I don't know if I could have earlier, when I was the age you are now. All I want to communicate is: I get it. It's really damn hard. What finally made things better for me was listening to myself. Being true to what I needed and valued. Doing the right hard things. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Expand full comment

Rita, this is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing and helping me see the way ahead.

Expand full comment

You are not a disappointment, you are a human being deserving of grace, always. I hope you feel better soon but I know the struggle of chronic illness and how relentless it can feel. ❤️

Expand full comment

Thank you Frankie. I know you get it, and that means a lot. It sucks right now and that's okay (but it still sucks lol).

Expand full comment

Thank you I really enjoyed reading the honesty. I would love to be able to write.

Expand full comment

Thank you Victoria, for being here, and reading. 🩵

Expand full comment

"That time at the train station, when I temporarily forgot everything about myself. I stood there, on the platform, and couldn’t remember where I was going or where I’d come from or what country I was in or who I was. I stood there, frozen, immersed in foreign chatter, and waited for my memory to return. When it didn’t, I ran down into the tunnel and stared at the train schedule. Nothing. I ran back to the platform. A train came, but I didn’t know if it was mine." This passage I found beautiful, but it also induced vertigo. It captures so well the uncanny and frightening moments when we don't know where or who we are. I hope you will never have cause to write such a passage again.

Expand full comment

Me too. Thanks so much for highlighting that passage- I feel like it's the start of a whole other essay.

Expand full comment

That's an essay I would also definitely want to read

Expand full comment

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much at once (which is not a coincidence, I think--I've been thinking about how our bodies break down/turn on themselves when faced with too much). Sending you love, and hope things get easier soon.

Expand full comment

Thank you Unmana 🩵

Expand full comment