So fantastic. Heartbreaking, but fantastic. Between the pressures of a PhD, grief, an autoimmune disorder, and the general demands of life, you have a shit ton on your plate—all requiring impossible, simultaneous attention. I hope life starts to smooth out a little for you, love. We get so used to chaos that we don’t think we deserve stability
I love your writing *because* you don’t put the performative positive face on your experiences. I think it’s so incredibly difficult to write authentically and not get sucked into the performance of things, especially when publication/readership is instantaneous! It’s a real mind fuck.
Please know that as a reader of your fabulous newsletter, more than anything else I wish for you to be yourself in whatever form on “paper” that is......and I hope you have a cozy warm blanket to wrap up in, to sleep, and to heal 💛
I know what you mean about being incapable of creating things for an audience. I can’t do that either. I create what I want to create because I feel it or nothing at all. I think that’s ok and that maybe that means you’re making something more meaningful than all that cellophane wrapped “positivity.” I hope you feel better soon!
Ana I hope you are taking care of yourself. We all feel lost, stuck, and out of sorts in our own ways. God knows I wanted to quit my job and write full time since last two years but I am the sole care taker of my aging parents and I can’t bring myself financial duress when the money is necessary.
Hold on till your time comes to snatch that first opportunity of freedom! It shall come. But meanwhile please take care of yourself and take enough rest. Turmeric and ginger are very good anti-inflammatory agents, may I suggest a recipe of turmeric chai ? Maybe you can adapt the recipe as per your taste. Hope this makes you feel better soon.
"Why do I feel like I need to write certain things to make other people happy?" That really resonated because in my own life self-destructive behavior has so much to do with other people's happiness. There's nothing wrong with making others happy if it does not harm you, I guess. But there's a correlation between the two that I think about at times.
I have no answers for you regarding perimenopause, although most of my symptoms went away with an IUD and some extra estrogen(again, a solution for my specific situation). The chronic pain I struggle with constantly even though I am vigilant and strong and healthy, and have tried almost everything (working on uncharted territories now).
I have been reading your work here since sometime in December, and I appreciate your authenticity. I've got some experience with a body that forces me to stop when I'm overloaded (migraine and other chronic pain). There's so much to say about that and intersections with creative work and mid-life and trauma and having to make a living. I'm finally (at 59) figuring out answers that work for me. I don't know if I could have earlier, when I was the age you are now. All I want to communicate is: I get it. It's really damn hard. What finally made things better for me was listening to myself. Being true to what I needed and valued. Doing the right hard things. I hope you're feeling better soon.
You are not a disappointment, you are a human being deserving of grace, always. I hope you feel better soon but I know the struggle of chronic illness and how relentless it can feel. ❤️
"That time at the train station, when I temporarily forgot everything about myself. I stood there, on the platform, and couldn’t remember where I was going or where I’d come from or what country I was in or who I was. I stood there, frozen, immersed in foreign chatter, and waited for my memory to return. When it didn’t, I ran down into the tunnel and stared at the train schedule. Nothing. I ran back to the platform. A train came, but I didn’t know if it was mine." This passage I found beautiful, but it also induced vertigo. It captures so well the uncanny and frightening moments when we don't know where or who we are. I hope you will never have cause to write such a passage again.
I'm sorry you're dealing with so much at once (which is not a coincidence, I think--I've been thinking about how our bodies break down/turn on themselves when faced with too much). Sending you love, and hope things get easier soon.
So fantastic. Heartbreaking, but fantastic. Between the pressures of a PhD, grief, an autoimmune disorder, and the general demands of life, you have a shit ton on your plate—all requiring impossible, simultaneous attention. I hope life starts to smooth out a little for you, love. We get so used to chaos that we don’t think we deserve stability
I love your writing *because* you don’t put the performative positive face on your experiences. I think it’s so incredibly difficult to write authentically and not get sucked into the performance of things, especially when publication/readership is instantaneous! It’s a real mind fuck.
Also -- big apologies in advance for unsolicited advice which is annoying af but -- this has helped me tremendously and if there is any possibility this can help you too, i don’t want to sit on it: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0vgX1hkCuWotCbbP97MgJW?si=kDsVKR3KTvesI6b7H9BfhQ
Please know that as a reader of your fabulous newsletter, more than anything else I wish for you to be yourself in whatever form on “paper” that is......and I hope you have a cozy warm blanket to wrap up in, to sleep, and to heal 💛
I know what you mean about being incapable of creating things for an audience. I can’t do that either. I create what I want to create because I feel it or nothing at all. I think that’s ok and that maybe that means you’re making something more meaningful than all that cellophane wrapped “positivity.” I hope you feel better soon!
Ana I hope you are taking care of yourself. We all feel lost, stuck, and out of sorts in our own ways. God knows I wanted to quit my job and write full time since last two years but I am the sole care taker of my aging parents and I can’t bring myself financial duress when the money is necessary.
Hold on till your time comes to snatch that first opportunity of freedom! It shall come. But meanwhile please take care of yourself and take enough rest. Turmeric and ginger are very good anti-inflammatory agents, may I suggest a recipe of turmeric chai ? Maybe you can adapt the recipe as per your taste. Hope this makes you feel better soon.
https://youtube.com/shorts/a55H0KTRVVo?si=KuMzyD2ddQTNPeYR
"Why do I feel like I need to write certain things to make other people happy?" That really resonated because in my own life self-destructive behavior has so much to do with other people's happiness. There's nothing wrong with making others happy if it does not harm you, I guess. But there's a correlation between the two that I think about at times.
I have no answers for you regarding perimenopause, although most of my symptoms went away with an IUD and some extra estrogen(again, a solution for my specific situation). The chronic pain I struggle with constantly even though I am vigilant and strong and healthy, and have tried almost everything (working on uncharted territories now).
I have been reading your work here since sometime in December, and I appreciate your authenticity. I've got some experience with a body that forces me to stop when I'm overloaded (migraine and other chronic pain). There's so much to say about that and intersections with creative work and mid-life and trauma and having to make a living. I'm finally (at 59) figuring out answers that work for me. I don't know if I could have earlier, when I was the age you are now. All I want to communicate is: I get it. It's really damn hard. What finally made things better for me was listening to myself. Being true to what I needed and valued. Doing the right hard things. I hope you're feeling better soon.
You are not a disappointment, you are a human being deserving of grace, always. I hope you feel better soon but I know the struggle of chronic illness and how relentless it can feel. ❤️
Thank you I really enjoyed reading the honesty. I would love to be able to write.
"That time at the train station, when I temporarily forgot everything about myself. I stood there, on the platform, and couldn’t remember where I was going or where I’d come from or what country I was in or who I was. I stood there, frozen, immersed in foreign chatter, and waited for my memory to return. When it didn’t, I ran down into the tunnel and stared at the train schedule. Nothing. I ran back to the platform. A train came, but I didn’t know if it was mine." This passage I found beautiful, but it also induced vertigo. It captures so well the uncanny and frightening moments when we don't know where or who we are. I hope you will never have cause to write such a passage again.
I'm sorry you're dealing with so much at once (which is not a coincidence, I think--I've been thinking about how our bodies break down/turn on themselves when faced with too much). Sending you love, and hope things get easier soon.