Hello From the Ether

a note from space

This post mentions eating disorders and CPTSD. If you’d like to support my work (although I am on hiatus) you can find my ko-fi here).

I’m here. It may feel like I am not here, but I am. I miss all of you and I can’t wait to complete my coursework and book revision so that I can once again be in a continuing conversation with you. To everyone who’s still here with me: thank you. To all the new subscribers: thank you for being here <3.

It’s 9:03 am on Sunday, April 7th and I am working on my book revision. I haven’t had a proper day off for many weeks. Last week a dermatologist removed two patches of skin from my left thing and sewed me up with four stitches. I’ve started lifting weights again. I am learning more about my CPTSD, traumatic flashbacks, and recovery. I am one month away from turning in my final book revisions. I am four weeks away from finishing the two years of coursework required for my PhD.

I need to complete a complicated annotated bibliography in Chicago Style and then write an 18-page paper about John Keats and William Wordsworth.

I miss my income from this newsletter, but it feels good knowing that no one is unwillingly paying for my silence.

I am tired, but mostly good. I’m hopeful and excited about the future.

A few weeks ago I realized that I had been living inside of an extended CPTSD flashback since last November. I relapsed into bulimia during that time, but couldn’t accept the extent of my relapse until a month ago. It’s been a month since I was actively bulimic, and I’m grateful for that.

My book, HOTSHOT, is a memoir of my younger self— someone who didn’t know how to advocate for themselves. Someone who sought difficult and sometimes abusive situations in the name of challenging themselves. During previous revisions I often reverted back to that self and re-experienced the intense shame I felt almost all the time. This time, I am meeting my past selves with compassion and understanding. This is another thing I am grateful for.

Here in Tallahassee the political climate is toxic but so many flowers are blooming. Around the world many places heave with pain and loss. I remind myself to hold everything together; both the fear and the blooming flowers. I let my heart bloom with warmth and the warmth fills me and I send the warmth into the world. I imagine a better world for all of us.

Is this all I can manage today, before I return to my revisions? It is. And that’s okay. I just wanted to send you a little note. To be honest about where I am, as a human and writer. In my soft body and heart, and to extend my heart out to yours.

I’d love to hear where you are. You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to be good. You don’t have to be struggling, but it’s okay if you’re struggling. You don’t have to be anything at all. You can be enjoying most days or barely making it through every hour. The important thing is that you are here, on this planet. The important thing is that you hold yourself with love, like you’ve always deserved to be held. But if you can’t manage that, I have faith things will change. That’s the single thing we can rely on in this world. Change.

I am holding us all in love.

I’ll be back soon with more. <3